Hiya!

Remember the boy I shared with you all before this, Daniel Fong? He seems to get better and better these days.

After the public speaking competition, we don't have much contact, though I enter his class 6 hours a week. He likes to wave at me whenever he sees me from far, sometimes I even notice that he came with something  unuttered (you know through his eyes, he wants to say something) but eventually left without saying anything. As usual, I never say anything more than I should if the person whom thinks he needs something from me has not say a thing. Perhaps the time has yet to come. And for most people, we try to somehow avoid anything involves pain and discomfort. Thus, I choose not to ask anything or even to ask why, for me, "why" is the most difficult question in the universe, and very often left unanswered.

Our last conversation was about why suicide shouldn't be a taboo. We shared the same thought, I guess that's what connects us somehow (if you believe in the kind of relationship that connects you with another person without have to say a lot... ) so we identify, or more precisely recognise each other by eye contacts 😂 If you get what I mean.

His form teacher, whom is my partner in disciplinary board in f6 came to me last week, said that he shows some positivity now as compared to the last time. I notice that too. But she said he still couldn't trust her to share more that he should 😅😂

I like this kid, not because we shared the same sentiment thought on suicide but because he remains kind even after what he been through. Like I always say, I like kind people, they have this one amazing attraction that I couldn't resist. When all girls go for handsome men like oppa etc I still stick to the same principle I have since young - kindness last longer than good looks, no? (Well, I have a very different definition about being handsome anyway... so that save a lot of screams I would have as any other normal girls would have when they get to see one 😂)

There were a few occasions I bumped into him patiently teaching those who are weak in certain subjects. He shares his knowledge without looking down on others. He is open to discuss in a lot of matters without being stereotyped towards anyone. Most importantly, he respects feminines, which is for me is rare to see these days. I think all men should practice being a gentleman, just like all women should respect herself as a femine.

He says kind words which comfort those who didn't do well in their studies or presentations. He is polite and humble, I would say, even he is sort of broken inside. It's easy to see that in him. I like him, because he reads. I always believe those who read think differently, they learnt a genuine set of skills to get themselves to be more civilised, to be more humane, to feel and learn better on how to deal with life, to have the ability to see beyond what others couldn't get to see. I like those who read, I salute those who know more but still stay humble and low, signifies that one's realisation that he isn't the center of the world and there are a lot more possibilities in life than to lock oneself up in his own world. This avoid one from being selfish, aggressive and even extreme, but to hold more moderation in life, which I perceive as something God would favour us to possess in life.

Puan Zainab, his form teacher told me about his thought  on not having a family in the future due to what he suffered in his family. That sounds way too familiar to me... This thought lasts somehow almost enternally if one has not by any chances come to a turning point in life which might help to twist it around.  He said if he would later have a family, he hopes his kids wouldn't need to go through what he went through in his family.

No one is sure if he could ever change things around in his family, likewise no one is sure if he would inherit the same abusive gene like his parents in the future... But I believe the thought to make things right, the determination are essential to at least help one to dive towards a different direction, to at least get one out of where they get stuck with in life. It's always about having the right thought and attitude to direct our actions, no?

I wish I could say more to him but I just didn't. Sometimes I feel reluctant to say more as I am not so good in words. My sentences are mostly short and straight to the point. I prefer, to buy someone an ice-cream and sit together for a movie or a see sighting of night or sea view. I always wish to have someone to do that for me too, sadly in real life, you don't always get what you want, not many would stop to look at you, everyone is just way too busy with their life. Those who stop to look at you are true loves, no?

Words in most situations are overused in expressing the real emotions and feelings we have inside. Small gestures like patting on the shoulders, a quick hug, simple sentences like "Hiya, you look marvellous today!", "I understand...", "Allow me to help you with this one. "  without having to say the real problem would bring an amazing healing to a broken soul.

# God answered my prayers last week. I eventually had the opportunity to talk to this one sis, who is most probably at the lowest ebb in her life. I prayed for a chance to get in touch with her, in a way I could tell her that I care and God loves her, regardless what had happened or what may happen. We talked, not regarding what actually happened, but more to how she feels and what's her plan, her faith in God. She is in her silent period in God in learning to be more humble, that's how she concludes about herself.

# Faith is all about believing the lowest ebb in life is a turn of a tide.

# I wish to stop writing for some time if I could. Trying to find something else I would love doing as much as I love writing, to balance the racing thoughts and mind I have 😂😂 My mind is ever racing all the time if any of you could get what I mean, so I need to do a lot of things to direct it to a more helpful way than to a self-destruction 😅😂 I'm a sinner who needs a lot of grace from Him continously flowing like a stream of living water...

# I wish I could share with Daniel gospel one day, even though I know it is dangerous to do so. His mighty love is too wasted not to share with others, don't you think so too?

# Hiya, let's swim together sometimes or we shall go for the spiciest 麻辣香锅 sometimes? 😂💞

Our days isn't countless...

Our days isn't countless, it's countable... I wake up everyday and praise Him for He has done great miracles in my life. I testified to Kent's  parents last night on how God healed my back pain, how I gained my period after it stopped completely for 4 years through prayers (both modern and traditional medicine didn't work), how God has laid his hands on my family... but I am yet to testify about my depression, I believe I'm not ashamed of it. It's just not something that you would simply share with anyone, as it involves so much emotional battle in it.

Kent 's mum questioned me about Kent's baptism last week. They knew I am a Christian and I shared some of my experiences with them sometimes but not about Kent receiving Christ. I believe in testifying God both in words and actions (actions is more reliable than words).  That's what I told one of the youths last week too. See! How great is our Lord. He made me experienced what I said to others immediately. Kent was quiet last night, I wasn't disappointed, I know God has His timing. I did my part to testify Him. I hope too, that all this while when they told others I'm a good daughter-in-law, even if it doesn't glorify God, it has not shamed God.

Kent received Christ in the 10th year of our relationship, when I was healed from my depression (we almost didn't make it in the relationship...). He claimed to witness how great is the Lord and kept telling me that I could not/should not leave God. 

Our discussion ended peacefully, they didn't receive Christ, but I had testified God the same way I did with the rest. The rest, to God, I surrender.

Our days isn't long, time doesn't wait and would not stop for anyone or anything. We don't understand and will never understand His plan. Just like how hopeful some people were when they prayed for Vincent but he just passed on, contradicts to what we hope and want. This life isn't long, but it's enough to allow God to work His miracles in our lives. We were touched by the Holy Spirit to receive God, so easily, with some of us without much affliction, we are the choosen ones who live in a peaceful country despite some man-made political issues, we are safe and still harmonious. We despise some courses and talks offer by the church, even the preachers sometimes, make excuses to not joining any services and fellowhips, complain how bad and difficult things are for us while in some parts of the world, people thirst for gospel, having a bible is difficult than to get a warmth clothes during the winter, some or perhaps many have no chances to get anything like we do, some Christians are killed to stand for God. We are not prefect and nobel, no one is, we are merely sinners as low as dust. But His love is too great that He chose to forgive our ignorance and wait for us...

Nothing in life is greater than He is, not our problems, not our family, spouses/partners, not our pride, beauty, youth, talents and wealth, not even health... whatever He gives, He is capable of taking it all back... Job 1:21 [and said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.  The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praise."]

Sorry for being so straightforward sometimes and making myself sounds so perfect, I am NOT! There are days  when you won't see me at all, not at church, not serving at all, because I'm not made perfect by God, perhaps some of you are going through the same thing too (I don't know-shrugged), but whatever it is, He is there, always, waiting faithfully for us to turn to Him, to repent and bow low so He could work in us. Let's encourage each other, walk this through together, because He is the one who stands between us. Whatever I'm sharing and writing here is when I'm physically, mentally and psychologically fit to do it, there are days when I can't do it at all, I need you to share the miracles God has done in your life to remind me once again how great is His love. God doesn't want us to be alone and doesn't want us to live in bitterness, but to experience joy and peace. Let's go home 🏃🏿‍♀🏃🏿‍♂👬👭👫💒 because our time is running low... life is priceless...

Flashing back

My thought is racing everyday and that somehow implies I'm alive, from the inside, I think. Some asked, do I really have so much to write everyday. I don't know how to answer to that, as I have never thought about that before. I started writing when I was in standard two, wasn't something like what I'm writing now, but more to movies. I somehow wrote down the movies I liked, I remember writing about Batman, Anne of Green Gables series, especially. My imagine ran so wild that I wish I would one day be a writer doctor 😂 but I ended up being a teacher who writes but not a writer. Being the first child in the family, and both parents busied fulfilling their responsibilities, one as the sole bread-winner and another one religiously serving the family, I filled my time watching a lot of English movies and books on my own, despite stealing cigarettes from my grandparents who owned a store downstairs, smoking with my sister and friends was one of my serious businesses when I was young 😂 I was good at wandering around with my childhood buddies too, Leonard (my bff), his sister, Lesley, Li Kwong, Wee Li, and his bully brother, Wei Ren. My sister, Brenna, who is 3 years younger than me tailed every where I go faithfully. But somehow you just unknowingly left those who used to trust you and follow you from the back, I had my own life after I moved out from the house in form 6... to one point, I blamed myself so much for not being with her through her difficult times in life, as if I was the one whom betrayed and abandoned her... I used to dream that I left her in the dark crying... I couldn't forgive myself... but I did after that, knowing God has different plans for everyone and everything is in His control. Alleluia! She's happily married with two kids (my godchildren, another one soon to follow). Those were the ones etched in my memories. And, of course, Aunty Rubby, my nanny, whom I never have the chance to meet for nearly 30 years. Ironically, my sister is the one whom met her few times in this recent years. She was the forever gentle feminine in my childhood memory, with her flare skirt and long curly hair. I have never forgotten her, but deep down in my heart I'm sacred to see her again, I'm scared to lose all the good memories I had with her in the past. The forever young and gentle her.

I seldom got to see my dad, he'd some businesses outside. Aggressive, brutal, courageous, ambitious, outspoken, call him anything that has to do with masculinity, that somehow affect the way how I see men. I always believe men should be brave and stern, well, I ended up married a man with few words and at times, I'm a better fighter than he is 😅😂 My mom is the ever perfect woman I have ever meet in life, her OCD with hygienic, her hours of "runway show" and make up session before going out, I am the contrary of her. She would never wear sluggishly like I do, she complains about my messy hair, faded shirts, dark skin due to sport, not wearing skirt, being not feminine enough etc to this very day 😂 but I still love her very much, she's the most loving mother in the world, if it wasn't because of her, we could never survive and somehow able to live a quite happy life now (My dad WAS an abusive dad). I thank Lord for what He has done to our family, my dad has eventually chose to bow down to Him, to us, he is now a toothless tiger who needs a lot of attention and love 😂

I miss both sides of my parents' parents. I remember saving money to buy my bed-ridden grandfather a pack of dumplings weekly without failed during my secondary time, we shared stories and news and history. He couldn't see and walk, but he read the time well. He was the second person who received the salvation after me (but according to him, he was a Christian before he's 16, before he came to Malaya). My petite grandmother who grumbled a lot, small but strong, and love us. She's the one who sent us to school when we were young and brought us around with a piece of cloth tight on her back. Too bad that when she's badly ill, I was in UPM, I didn't even get the chance to meet her at her last breath. For that, I cried a lot, almost every year, I never celebrate April fool after her death. (Now I remember I do cry... how could I just skip this in my mind?) Then my grandma of my mother's side, I called her up every week either by house phone or public phone at school after my basketball session, a day before she went into comma, she called me up for the first time and the last time... the older my mom is now the more she looks like our grandma, and I see her shadow in her... and my grandad whom passed away this year...

I guess I'm blessed... I managed to have good relationship and memories with the 4 of them, three received Christ except my grandma who was the first to pass away and I was way too young to share the gospel with her... my faith grows stronger as I look back, knows that God was already there for me even before I know Him. So much ignorance, hurt and pain, has all gone with the wind. Good memories stay, hope grows stronger every time after the darkest hours passed. To the glory of God, who lives in us.

This is the outcome of my preparation for tonight sharing in youth ministry 😂👆 as usual never short and always grumpy 😅 I'm happy that I'm still able to write after all that had happened... it's a gracious blessing...

1st May - Cry

I have never seen crying as something good to do until yesterday. I have a total different view on this after a hiking with the youths, after the prayer meeting last night.

I don't remember I ever have the need to cry. The one last time I cried was back in 2015/2016 when I first watched ""The Passion of Christ" for the first time after avoiding watching it for years. I cried as I felt I wasn't there to help Jesus (a foolish thought, of course; my spontaneous humane response towards His misery) and I cried because He was despised and left alone.

Minus the death of my closed ones, I don't cry, I just don't, no matter how heavy and pain I feel inside of me. Not even the night sis Lai Mun cried the night we prayed sang for her in the hospital. Watching her cried and followed by another two sisters who came with me, I buried all my feelings so deep inside. The most I would do share my sorrow through words with those few I trust. Even Kent cries sometimes, watching movies and listening to songs. He will turn his head at me and expect me to do the same, which I normally end up either laughing at him or ignoring him.

I visit others and pray for them. They would cry sometimes. I feel for them deep inside, but I just couldn't have my tears stream down. To one point, I think I am just cold-blooded. My mom sometimes calls me that way, as she is a woman who cries, almost in all occasions. I envy her sometimes and suspected I may just be her adopted child. Despite all this, I like myself for not crying thou. And I don't feel the need to cry or to be taken care of. I refuse every possible help and care from others. I feel I don't need any of this, I am a good practicer of self-sufficiency.

Being brought-up in a family, where I spent most of my childhood watching TV and witnessing my parents argued and quaralled. I grew up telling myself I can't trouble anyone but to take good care of myself on my own. I was just naive, not sad, I think?! But, somehow it has a tremendous effect in my entire life later on. And many years later in my life, then only I realised how much God has loved me so greatly that He found me when I was 5 years old. He knew I was lonely, someting I couldn't understand at the age of 5.

I met a lot of wonderful people in life, who are good to me, but somehow some just changed and left one day. I believe people left because they have no better reasons to stay. So I told myself it is alright. It was alright all this while until my best of friend, someone who has religiously-inspired me, probably the only one whom understands my writing and promised will have my back til the end of time, one day just told me she could no longer understand me anymore as she feels the joy God filled her with. I guess, I scattered into pieces, but it's just so quiet and hidden that I couldn't hear my own voice. We were friends for almost 20 years... we trust each other with our brokeness, and she just walked away and I was left alone lost in the desert. I don't remember if I ever asked why to God, I only remember the feeling of sinking deep in hollow and the thought of she is healed from her depression is a blessing in my misery. Yet I gave thank to God and for a long time I believe that she is the blessed one who is healed eventually. I never had such a bad self-pity but this time.

I noticed a sudden outpouring of sorrow and grief the day I told Peggy, I don't have a best friend anymore. I am good to others and have great number of close friends but never so close... the feeling of every friend is just the same now saddens me. Still, no crying. Keep telling myself that God allows this, because He wants me to be emotionally stronger. Living my life so normal until I was once again dignosed with symptoms of relapse early of Feb. The thought of cutting my wrist struck during praise and workship of one of the Sunday Services at SCMC in March rang an alarm. What a struggle and confusion to go through. The only person I wish to see was Pastor Sim, but not with the intention of sharing anything. Kent has been a good friend and spouse all these years, but to burden him is the last thing I would do. Sometimes, I think I married a best friend whom I feel I want him to be in my life forever but not to trouble him. I even told him if one day, I am too much for him to bear, let's just end everything. I am perfectly alright to live alone. I always believe if I have not met Kent, I would stay single.

I believe God is good, He is with me in the storms that no one notices. Except from cutting off all swimming, no more cooking and jogging, starting to turn down dates, I am good in controlling myself still. I pray more and better compared to the past, in which I couldn't even feel a thing, not even His presence. I think that is a sort of improvement after all. I managed to get up and go out from the house and serve. With my broken soul I asked God to heal, I went and prayed for Lai Mun and others. What an irony. I learnt to experience Him in serving others. A few those I prayed for claimed to be released from their fear and sorrow. Sometimes I question God, when would Him take this on and off relapse from me. There is no one certain answers. He never says anything to me.

But yesterday, for the first time in my life, I wanted to be loved and taken care by others. I admitted my exhaustion of pretending to be strong, as how others always perceive me. I wanted to feel love. By God and by those who don't mind about my brokeness and ugliness at all. God opens up what is sealed deep in me through psalms 86. For all this while, I could only think of to surrender to God and loved by Him, but not others. Last night, it breaks the mould, God says you were badly hurt, but there are others who are capable of loving you and would try to love you because I live in them. Sit and rest next to those who come to you, enjoy the companion. Give your hands to those who wiling to hold you a little longer. I am with you all this while and forever will.

So, I cried, sat next to Rev Wan, one chair away from Kent. For the first time in my life, I enjoyed crying. Continued crying in the car while sharing my real thought to Kent. It heals something in me. The hiking too, I feel alive. When Mic Sew shared how cold the top of the Mount Ledang is yesterday, being an imaginative person, I felt the chill and visualised myself having devotion on top of the mount, only God and me.

There are times...

There are times we try so much to make sense of the world our own way, to understand people around us the most possible way,
to find excuses for the mistakes we see in those we loved and cared,
and decide to run away eventually when there is too much to endure...
so then, we hide ourselves in the dark,
we groan quietly,
we say to ourselves we could never get over it,
but... someday, we just somehow managed to,
so we get up and brave our broken souls,
as in time all flowers turn to face the sun,
and once again... or perhaps it would be more than once that we will try
to forget and forgive, though the pain is so much unbearable,
to face the world and smile, though most of the times we fake it,
to pray and stay faithful to God, though deep inside us we know that our faith is wearing thin and sick,
because we know someday everything shall pass,
and God, His word is a lamp to our feet and a light for our path (Psalm 119:105)
Life, after all is a beautiful struggle...

再见

有些旷野 永远是你自己一个人在走
真的没人 没有一个可以陪你到终点
即使有些人也对你说过会一起一直走
你不是没相信过 可是你更明白这世界
真的真心过就好 从来不要刻意相信誓言
人总在苦难潦倒时 紧紧抓住 相依偎
事过境迁 谁都想忘记当初 憧憬未来
留在过去黑暗里的另一个永远让人想摆脱
...
其实 也实在没关系 微笑再见 真的没关系
谢谢来过的 停留过的 试着去明白的
能走过来多好 不要刻意 或挖掘或回首
所以再见 也或者不要再见 无需掉头回眸
上帝 是你仅有 一直对你最好的那个

First in 2015

It's a never ending struggle... you thought you made it, but you never have made it through anyway...
Nothing is worse than giving up on yourself, knowing that it's wasting everyone's time to focus on how things could get better for you.  There were hands that you grabbed and you chose to let go because you know no one is walking through it with you, even if they say so and they did some how at one point stick with you.  It's not others to be blamed for you incurable disease, maybe not yourself too.  Drifting away from everything, like floating in the air, you feel nothing, nothing to hold, you are alone, again and again.  Whatever others say about making it through, blessing in disguise etc, all seem to be so unfamiliar to you.  You stare blankly at those who share their experience of how much their enjoy their life now than before after been through the whole damn struggle.  You are not judging, you just feel nothing at all, as you were once said that kind of stuff too and look at you now, everything seems to have gone back to normal and you are again slipping away.  And you stop questioning about it now, you somehow realise and expect to have to live with it the whole life til death parted you both, if only death brings it to a stop.