爱情

走过了曲折的岁月

你还相信爱情么

爱情

真的存在么

还是一切不过是虚幻

***

过眼云烟

爱情为谁停留过

它静悄悄来到

失手无措            来不及捕抓

似流沙从指尖流过

让心      悸动      荡血      撕裂

让你从此再也做不回自己

***

让人重新活过来的        是爱情

让灵魂枯萎       破碎的     还是爱情

Secret

You came to me that night

You must have planned to tell about the pain you bear all these years

But you say nothing 

We end up drinking and laughing all night long

There was no sign of despair 

You laughed and you joked the whole night

10 o’clock in the morning

You were nowhere to be seen

You must have gone back home, I thought

The phone rang

They said you're gone

And you'd killed yourself

You say nothing 

Not even goodbye

Am I too ignorance to notice the bleakness creeping inside you

Or I was just too scared to mention about it

As much as you were afraid to share it with me too?

You were dead and I am not

If I have got a chance to tell you

The very night you came to me

I was planning to end my life

But I laughed and I drank

Instead of telling how much pain and guilt

Have been hiding and eating me up from inside

You are now gone 

And I have to live up with the secret that we shared 

To Ashely

Most of the times in my life, I always have the thought that I’m different from others and it makes u feel lonely because of it…

But it is different after meeting you, knowing I’m not the only and one who feel this way and have all the thoughts that I’ve tried to keep away from others.

We bear everything alone and never share, we keep quite and never say the pain, and we laugh furiously to tell everyone around us we are happy even though we are not; we don’t care what others think of us anymore, but it doesn’t mean it does not hurt when those we truly love refuse to understand or perhaps, they just do not know how to understand people like us… and slowly we keep everything only to ourselves and live our lives in the crowd of none of them are like us, avoid anyone to cross the line we drawn, refuse to be understood anymore, just to make sure we don’t get hurt.  We try to play at the safe side, which it does not always that safe as how we wanted it to be.

We are only living the life of an escapist, can’t really see ourselves clearly anymore…

We are different; therefore we must live a very different life from others, an interesting and a happy one…

Forever friends… I wanted to believe it does exist after all these years, after all those incidents and people who came and gone... 

Jan 13, 2011

掏空了感觉，原来连睁开眼看世界那瞬间的勇气都没有；原来累了，真的什么都可以不要了；原来人是如此不可靠，如此不能被相信，而我也只不过是一个再也普通平凡不过的人。

做最好的自己

希望在还有呼吸的每一刻做最好的自己，看着的是自己脚尖那片影子，不是捕抓前面永远追赶不上的影子或是回头寻找已经遗失的昨天。

认识自己

认识自己
你有多认识你自己？
是自以为刚强却是不堪一击的自己
还是一直裹足不前却原来果断利落的那个你
你说你爱 但真的爱吗？
你说你可以 就真的是这样吗？
你有多认识你自己？
。。。
至于我
披着这个躯壳活了三十年
以为看清了 以为真的认识了
那个隐藏在我里面的那个我
其实
原来
真的
。。。没有。。。

Keep thy Hearth

Had a conversation with an almost 60 year-old lady who had recently filed a divorce and it was quite a disturbing conversation for someone like me who had just got married for less than a year... to know that how men would change (or precisely we all do) and want different things at different ages, how men can be world-best dads and fathers would still end up having affairs outside their marriage. She talked from experience and of others that she knows. Literally I'm aware of what's happening in the society and how trivial most people view marriage today, still it took me few days to digest the 'issue' and of course, the fear of what could possibly happen to my marriage one day...
And finally these are my conclusions:
1. Fear God, so you won't commit adultery or any kind of doings that disgrace God. 2. Seek help and strength from the above to fight for all the temptations, we alone are nothing but weak and small without Him.
3. We have hope and the hope is in Him.
4. Learn to 'keep thy hearth with all diligence；for out of it are the issue of life' [Proverb 4:23]
Amen!

明白 你

曾经在年少轻狂26岁那一年我嘲笑了你，说当时怎么32岁的你如此脆弱不堪一击，摆出的自信如此不自然做作。。。
现在的我31岁又两个月，终于体会什么是心力交瘁，明白为什么有些人需要伪装自信继续生存。
当你以为你很了解这个世界看得特别透彻的时候，其实你原来不过是盘旋在自己的世界里观看，你只不过是一个渺小到看不见的一个点站在无止境的地平线上，你原来什么都不知道都还看不透。。。
朋友，无论今天你身在哪里，都希望你加油坚强，因为我也在做着同样的努力。。。

缺陷 因着生命的成长而完全

你说 缺陷让你退缩
再也撑不住 伪装不下去
问我 不也累吗

我说
也许 我 比较自私 太爱自己
所以 他人眼光 对我没意义
即使缺陷都赤裸 一览无余
那又怎样
我还是我 
别人不过我的生活

所以 你
无需再 逞强 伪装
不要看谁潇洒就想过谁的生活
你永远是你自己
真的开心自在就好
缺陷会因着生命的成长而完全
所以 你
别急
让生命自己工作
你只要记得开心就好

主说，他们所做的他们不知道

早在亚当夏娃犯罪开始，这世界本来就丑陋。。。
人类，都是丑陋，自私，诡诈，如果不是因为主耶稣。
人类，都是自我保护意志非常强的生物，有时候甚至在重要关头牺牲把你牺牲的人可能就是你最亲的人。这个世界其实本来就很可怕，很绝望。
不过，还好我们有主耶稣，真的还好，也很好。
看清这个世界，看清人类的软弱，认清我们的罪，主说，他们所做的他们不知道。。。但还好我们知道，即使不多，就多他们一点，那也就是福气和恩典了!
神在丑陋的世界里注射了恩典和美意;在绝望中赐给了我们平安和希望，让明白神的人互相扶持，这就是盼望!

A random thought of the day

When I don't feel good, 
I shop a lot, 
I read and I don't talk, 
(Okay, I read bible, too)
I watch a lot of TV and I don't sleep,
Strictly no calls, no advice, no nagging...
I just want to spend a little bit more time with myself (and more precisely, with Him)
to get myself back in one piece,
to face the world, 
to battle uncertainties, 
to resist temptations,
to accept changes,
to feel loved,
to love once again,
to forget and forgive,
to hope more,
to have a little bit extra faith each day,
and to always steadfast in the Lord,
as the bible says "Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23

Life is a beautiful struggle

There are times we try so much to make sense of the world our own way, to understand people around us the most possible way, 
to find excuses for the mistakes we see in those we loved and cared, 
and decide to run away eventually when there is too much to endure...
so then, we hide ourselves in the dark, 
we groan quietly, 
we say to ourselves we could never get over it, 
but... someday, we just somehow managed to,
so we get up and brave our broken souls,
as in time all flowers turn to face the sun,
and once again... or perhaps it would be more than once that we will try
to forget and forgive, though the pain is so much unbearable,
to face the world and smile, though most of the times we fake it,
to pray and stay faithful to God, though deep inside us we know that our faith is wearing thin and sick,
because we know someday everything shall pass,
and God, His word is a lamp to our feet and a light for our path (Psalm 119:105)
Life, after all is a beautiful struggle...

Good Men Do Nothing

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. 

~Edmund Burke~

The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men. 

~Plato~

FAILURE = GIFT from GOD

FAILURE never seems to be a good thing when it happens, but if failure strips away our cocky self-confidence, then failure is ultimately a GIFT from GOD.

You will be judged not by how many times you fall, but by the person you become when you get up.

~David Foster~

It Doesn't Matter Anymore

It is so noisy,
yet you feel bleak and lonely.

The more silent you are,
the more you're screaming inside.

You laugh out loud,
but it starts to pain the moment you stopped.

You keep telling yourself you're okay,
but then just to prove you're becoming more broken.

It is a dead deep hollow inside,
you are trapped and caged,
you are locked and incarcerated;
you feel yourself are drifting away,
nothing there for you to hold,
or perhaps,
you just don't want to be saved,
because nothing matters anymore,
and the things you used to care for
just not worth fighting for anymore.

It is never easy...

It is never easy to have a disease that will keep coming back to you again and again, especially when you have endevoured so much to overcome it, thought everything will go back to normal but then it is not...

I keep believing that God allows all these to happen because He wanted to make me stronger and well-versed in serving Him.  But then, sometimes I just couldn't take it.  I keep forgetting things, even it is just something that I have in mind a second ago.  I used to be very good in memorising things and very confident with every step taking.  But then the wonderful world collapsed.  I am somehow becoming a stranger to myself.  Hate it when every time I look into the mirror, I found a less confident, a more restless soul that I could hardly recognise.  It is never easy to have to live with a new self that you have no way to get rid of, except from trying to work things out so that you feel less miserable about yourself, so that you continue to believe that every day is worth living though most of the time you are not sure about it.

Resolution

Though it is not New Year, but these are what I'm determined to do:

1. Tithing
2. Daily devotinal
3. Daily prayer
4. 40-day of prayers

Like a rusty old toy

Like a rusty old toy

I break down

Lying silently at the darkest corner

So drown with the numbness

It is all bleak

Pitch dark

The time has forever stopped

*** *** *** ***

The time has forever stopped

Pitch dark

It is all bleak

So drown with the numbness

Lying silently at the darkest corner

I break down

Like a rusty old toy

A place somewhere only we know

A place where our loneliness remains hidden deep inside...

平安

我们很常被问起是否平安是否别来无恙，我们都习惯性说好，说平安。当在在回应平安时，我们心里是否真的觉得平安？我们真的觉得心里无比的平安而说平安么？还是因为我们都习惯别人这么问我们就这么答？同样的，当别人问我们好吗时，我们都习惯性地说好，说平安，即使很多时候回答时我们是怀疑自己的答案的，心里真的是不平安么？



说好，说平安是种习惯，而每一个人都意味着我们的回答一定是这样。没有人会认为我们会说不好，不平安。尝试如果我们有天来到教会有人向我们问安时，我们说，我很不好，很不平安，想必一般上很多人都对这种回答反应不过来，尽管所有人都明白，每一个人心里都有些许的不平安。多数的人，都没有办法承认自己心里的不平安，更别说是去面对别人心里的不平安。



平安究竟是什么？而它在我们的生活上又扮演着怎样的角色？



平安一般上分为两种：1。外在的平安

2。内在的平安



外在的平安就是我们所谓的没事，没意外，吉祥如意就是平安。



而内在的平安包括心里的平静，毫无欲望和怨恨。



为什么人会不平安？



1。为未知数和不确定而担心：



根据专家显示，人类常常处在于过份担心未知数和不确定的事情上，而且往往所担心的有40%是不会变成事实的事。

我们担心的事太多，不确定的事也太多，从国家的政治到泛滥的社会问题，从工作到家庭，孩子到自己。这些担心都导致我们对四周很没安全感，对很多事情和人都不信任。我们都失去了最初的单纯和热心，开始质疑，开始论断，无法和周围的人维持好的关系，接着就连和神之间的关系也会受影响。



2。与罪同行和罪责的问题：



圣经说：[恶人必不得平安。] (赛57：21)

如果心里充满妒忌，嫉妒，纷争，愤怒，高傲，甚至去行魔鬼的工作，例如，诈骗，奸淫，谋杀，心里就一定没有平安。和罪同行的人，是不会有神的智慧和知识，也不会产生分辨能力。

在历史上，最好的列子就是亚力三大国王，他在30岁时征服了世界成为大帝，但由于他过着凶暴和紧张的生活，内心没有平安，结果在33岁时就逝世了。

当我们犯罪的时候，我们的良心也从此赤裸，心里会不安，焦虑，结果在不安中生活。有些人为了逃避良心的责备，选择了堕落，自暴自弃，来抹杀良心的责备，结果就不知不觉走到了和魔鬼为伍的地步。

即使是一位无神论者，当身在困境中，还是会想，是不是因为自己做错了某某事而带来了上天的惩罚，又或着，因为自己曾经犯下的错误，而认为自己后来的良心责备甚至颓废的生活都是自己的罪有应得。有些人甚至于认为自己不配得着赦免，而不敢见神的面，从此心里就没有了平安。

保罗在加拉太书5：17-18记载到：[因为情欲和圣灵相争，这两个是彼此相敌，使你们不能做所愿意的。] 罪如果和圣灵相争，最痛苦的是我们自己，两股力量若在不断拉扯，最后分裂的是我们自己，这样又怎么会有平安呢？



3。假平安：



如果我们大家真的仔细看看我们的周围，不难发现，其实每一个人都向往平安。有人拜偶像，求平安，最后被骗财骗色，甚至还危害了自己的性命。

也有人在逆境时，花钱在世俗的激励书籍和课程，以为这样可以给自己真平安。我就是其中一个，Anthony Robbins, Chris Guillebeau, Robin S Sharma, Mitch Albom, Rhonda Byrne甚至何全峰，黄桐都是我喜欢的作家，但是疯狂地阅读到一个时候，我觉得这些书再也帮不到我，当时的我认为读什么都是假的，因为它们给的平安很短暂，最后，我还是回到最原始的激励书~圣经。

无可否认，市场上的激励作家或者课程在朔造型个人品行和思想是相当高的，但是它们都不是真理，分享的只是每一个人在生命不同的经历，启示和理论。经历和启示因人而异，同样的理论会不断更新，理论也非应许，唯有上帝的道是应许，是真理。

还有一种假平安是来自财富和自己引于为傲的才华，以为拥有这些就是保障，就是一种安全感，我很多时候也和其他人一样，认为这些就是所谓的安全感和信心。来自这些假平安的保障会让人引于为傲，接着就会和人做比较，产生嫉妒和贪念，最后带来的是犯罪和人性的灭亡。这一种平安随时会失去，可能因为病重无法工作而失去，或是被诈骗，最后还是没有了这短暂的平安。



什么又是真正的平安？又如何得着真正的平安？



1。和上帝和好/和睦：



小时候上主日学，我们都会唱一首歌‘葡萄树’：主是葡萄树，我们是枝子。如果想要有平安，我们就要学枝子一样，长在大树，定时吸取液体的滋润，才能茁壮成长。

很多非信徒甚至我也有遇过一些非信徒会有这种想法，不做亏心事就一定有平安。其实不然，永恒的平安来自我们和神和好的结果。

人一般在没遇到苦难时，平安是自然的，但是遇到逆境时，我们的平安和信心很快就被击毁。即使不做亏心事的人，在面对背叛和伤害之后，心里还可能有爱，有平安吗？

耶稣基督为我们的罪钉死在十字架上，唯有借着他的宝血，才能洗去我们一切的罪。罪被赦免了，在基督里成为新人以后，我们才因信称义，圣灵才开始在我们心里做感动的工作，把平安赐给我们，教我们学会宽恕和原谅，不管是对别人还是对自己。同时，也帮助我们过得胜的生活。和上帝的关系和好了，心里也才有爱，自然就和我们身边的人甚至自己的内心和好。单靠自己的行为和感觉我们是不能称义，心里也不会永恒的平安，我们一定要清楚自己是被神接纳的，是被他所喜悦的，才能让圣灵在我们心里工作，赐平安。我们要记得经上罗8:1-4所说的「如今那些在耶稣基督里的，就不定罪了。不随从肉体，只随从圣灵的人」



2。和罪恶争战：



和神和好，圣灵进入心中工作，给我们平安，帮助我们过得胜的生活，我们要保守从神而来的平安。

要常记得，即使基督徒也是会受魔鬼的干扰。魔鬼是无孔不入地时刻攻击我们，要我们相信他的谎言，相信神并不爱我们，让我们与神隔绝。所以我们要常常警醒祷告，弟兄姐妹们要彼此扶持，不做让别人跌倒的事。

靠着主耶稣给我们的力量，过分别为圣的生活，结出圣洁的果子。

一个遵守神的指意的人，心里一定有平安。



3。学会交托：



相信我们当中很多都玩过一个往后到的信心游戏，然后有一班弟兄姐妹会在身后接着我们。我觉得这个游戏很刺激，很好玩，但是每一次都还是很害怕，万一他们接不到我怎么办？万一自己太重把人压倒了怎么办？

交托代表着相信，也代表着别人可能带给你的失望，或者你可能带给别人的伤害。

其实，真的有多少人在往后倒那一刻是真的不怕的？又由多少人真的一开始就坚信不渝？

但是我们依然得相信为我们的罪而死的神，为我们预备的神，不要动摇，也不要靠着自己的力量。就连耶稣也交托他自己，在临死前上山祷告并求神的指意。

腓4：6-7说道:[ 应当一无挂虑，只要凡事借着祷告、祈求和感谢，将你们所要的告诉 神，神所赐出人意外的平安，必在基督耶稣里，保守你的心怀意念。] 如果神不担负我们的担忧，困扰，给我们平安，他就不会吩咐我们不要担忧，就不会叫我们卸下重担来到他跟前。

所以不管顺境逆境，都让我们学会交托，相信，知足，感恩。不知大家记不记得黄美廉这个人，我好像是在小学或中学时期就有读她的一些作品，所以对她的印象非常深刻。她是天生的脑性麻痹症，但是她却说了一句话，让我一直铭记在心：我不要看我所没有的，我只看我所拥有的。

富有时，我们要学会感谢赞美，并与别人分享我们心里的喜乐与平安，在缺乏时也同样感恩称谢，相信他是为我们预备的神，相信他是要在苦难中塑超我们成为他器皿的神，相信他是赐平安和喜乐的神。

在我结束今早的课题时，我想和大家分享STEVE JOBS这个人。相信大家对这个人并不陌生。去年十月他的死讯轰动了全球。在临终前却他道出心里对信仰的挣扎。他说他觉得他有时相信有神的存在，有时他不，他很矛盾，当他开始患上癌症时，思索信仰的事变多了，他说也许他很想相信有死后的世界。他把人生比喻成一个开关，一关你就消失了，也许因为这样所以他没有为iPHONE设计开关。那是何等可悲的一种想法。一个为世界带来了一个新改革的伟人，在临终前， 心里还是充满不平安，不确定。当然，他在离开以前还是没有办法找到他心里的答案。所以我深深觉得我们信主的人是有莫大的福分，因为我们心里有平安，有依靠，往后倒时，尽管害怕，我们还是有一双会接着我们的手，也清楚自己死后会去那里。但愿神赐给我们心里的平安像细水长流，是够我们用的，也不要吝啬把我们的平安与人分享。

*Sermon Training II, March 2012

 

Mine, eventually!

Well, Nazz told me this blog is no longer belonged under the English Unit anymore, which means it is officially mine now :D
Have not post anything for quite some times.  Not even update FB too. 
Sometimes, we just get tired of doing the same things over and over again. 
I'm back, yet not sure what to write...
How about writing Steve Jobs and the hot iPhone 4S?  ... Well, i guess too many are writing about this, it is going to sound boring...
To moan on Ashley's leaving?  Well, that supposed to be done earlier, in person (which was not done at all :D) not in the blog, after 1 month of her departure.
How about my parents who came here last August?  Hmmm... Maybe, nope!  It doesn't sound interesting at all, all about how they argued on small matters that caused me headache and dizziness.
Let's talk about my secret plan of getting married (secretly) and have a baby next year?!  Nay!  It doesn't supposed to be annouced here.
Or, the mix feelings that I'm having since last few days... To love or not to love, though i know it is not supposed to happen that way and it won't happen too. 
Just forget about it then, will be updating once I have something in mind then.

Through the Rain

When you are caught in the rain, With nowhere to run

When you’re distraught, and in pain, without anyone

and you keep crying out to be saved, but nobody comes

and you feel so far away

That you just can't find your way home

you can get there alone

it's okay

What you say is

I can make it through the rain

I can stand up once again

On my own and I know

That I’m strong enough to mend

And every time I feel afraid

I hold tighter to my faith

And I live one more day

And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down

Don’t you dare give in

You will arise safe and sound

So keep pressing on steadfastly

And you’ll find what you need to prevail

What you say is

I can make it through the rain

I can stand up once again

On my own and I know

That I’m strong enough to mend

And every time I feel afraid

I hold tighter to my faith

And I live one more day

And I make it through the rain

And when the wind blows

As shadows grow close

Don’t be afraid>

There’s nothing you can’t face

And should they tell you

You’ll never pull through

Don’t hesitate

Stand tall and say I

I can make it through the rain

I can stand up once again

On my own and I know

That I’m strong enough to mend

And every time I feel afraid

I hold tighter to my faith

And I live one more day

And I'll make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain

And stand up once again

And I live one more day, and I

I can make it through the rain

Oh yes, you can

You’re gonna make it through the rain.

Let's make it through the rain!  Cheers! 

Life is in its silent mode

Life is in a static state...
Nothing much, no excitment, no heart-breaking; it is just nothing much.  As if the world just stood still, so still that only the buzzing sound in the head tells the existance of oneself.
Life is in its silent mode...
No more fairy tales.
And I don't walk purposely down the street just to bump into you and feel the heart-bumping feeling anymore, because you are no more there and the music of yesterday just stopped.
Life keeps quiet like how I choose to be quiet of your departure.

Life goes on 2

What is the most painful moment in life?


- Caught your spouse in bed with someone else?

- The one you expected to spend your entire life with didn’t turn up during the wed?

- Or perhaps the loved one pass away before you could ever tell him or her how much you care?

- Losing everything in life, your loved ones, your future, everything falls into pieces? Worst still, losing faith and do not know when to get up again?

Some pains are just irrevocably.

Watching people crying and you have no tears to running down you chin, and you know the level of pain both of you have are different. They cry because they feel it but not you. That doesn’t mean your pain is less. You have learnt to swallow it a little bit better than them.

What’s the point to tell the whole world that you are in pain, while the day after tomorrow no one would remember what you had cried for and even, you yourself do not want to remember anything from it?

Life goes on, everyone is tired with the burden they carry with them, therefore, let’s laugh and have a good time every time we meet, no matter how hard is the day, because everything shall pass and life goes on, so do us.

Life goes on

The journey never stops, no matter how tired you were.


And time won’t stop, even if you decided to end everything.

The sun still rise, only people seeing it are different.

Life goes on; only the characters change and tell another different story.

Everyday is another new beginning

When you thought it is over, that’s when you realize something else is about to start.


And, everything is beyond your control, regardless whether it is about something good or something bad; all things could just go loose in hands, when you thought you’d grabbed what you want.

Well, that’s life. So, bear with it and learn to live with it. That’s the classic advice.

Someone dies today and the next moment another new life is born… So, bear with it and learn to live with it, as life is short and why wasting time while we do not have much to spend on doing more meaningful stuffs?!

Thank you and goodbye too

An angel sometimes makes your world fall into pieces, too.


Thanks for not being there when I needed someone badly.

Thanks for awaken me from dreams that the last good person is always is always there for me.

Thanks for showing me what the real world is.

Thought of hating you and hurt you as much as you had hurt me.

But, I guess that would be too much and it hurts me more in return, so we might as well move on and never look back.

Thanks anyway and goodbye for stepping out of my world.

Young*Fat*Fabulous

People are crazy about "Eat, Pray, Love" and I am thinking about to be "Young, Fat and Fabulous".
Well, to be honest, I used to very much concern about my weight, even though people keep telling me, "Naw, you are not fat, you are just having big structure!" then they will shud their shoulder.  I know what kind of 'micro expression' is that, hello!
After 15 years of working out with my weight, I finally take the decision to eat whatever I want and whatever I like starting now, especially after I realised the fact (it could be brainwashed in another words) that fat could be fabulous and even sexy sometimes, after I have found where to buy for all the plus sizes clothes and shoes (evil laugh!)
To starve myself is so not-like-me type! 
Losing this lose-weight habit, I adapt another new one, to stay young as long as I can :D
If I am happy the formular could always goes this way "Young + Fat = Fabulous".  So those who reading this post, if you are over 120 pounds and none of the normal shops with their noraml sizes can cater your size, cheers up!  There is no rule saying that we can't enjoy our lives as much as the slim people do, we go for beautiful clothes too, we might also go for handsome and rich guys out there (they have to be over 120 pounds too, normally) and we have the right to choose to be young and fabulous in our own way!

Growing up

When we are much younger, we wish people could tell us more about ourselves, the part whereby we are not so sure about;
But years later, we avoid people from reading our minds and actions, we pretend everything is fine, even though sometimes it is not. 
Growing up sometimes meaning more secrets, more lies.
We build wall between us and others, regardless whether they are our loved ones or the hated ones.
We say 'yes' when we mean 'no'.
Smiling means happy, that is in the past, and most of the time now, it can sometimes means pain and hatred.
We tend to bury ourselves, bit by bit, insteads of open up and live our lives, so that no ones can ever harm us; ironically, others get hurt and in return, we withdraw from each other.
Growing up means the path to aloneness (less trust and more solitary) 

The pieces

"Life may sometimes fall into a thousand pieces, yet you can always pick up one piece and start all over again"

Read this phrase somewhere tonight and a thought came into my mind, "Could it be that easy?".  Especially, you do not know which piece to pick up.  Or maybe there is no pieces for you to pick up there?

Perhaps, to this point, you might perceice me as someone who is always at the negative side.

Well, it is just a spontenous thought that crossed my mind, it doesn't matter, anyway.  Not anymore, when someone like me, who once hoped high, aimed high, eventually choose to live low and flat now. 

Any piece, whether there is one or none, it doesn't matter anymore. 

Well, the choice doesn't make me less happy or relief, it is just one step that I made to be able to stop for a while and if there is another path that I could possibly find one day. 

Some pains are unspeakable

Finished reading "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom, recently.
He begun the story by telling how he ends up killing himself... interesting enough when he mentioned that in the very first sentence of the book, makes you wanted to read more.
The first chapter itself reminds me of many things happened lately in my life.
I don't know whether it is because of age, or it is because of what I really experience in life that when I read this book, it gives me some sort of unspeakable kind of feeling.  How to put them in words... ehm... Let's see... Can I say that I feel more, something deeper this time.
I love reading good books, enjoying good songs and musics, they give me sensational feelings that no words can describe.  To sum up, they are good stuffs that I don't want to miss, in the past, I meant.  And, today, I found something different, that there are certain things in life that I thought I know and I understand, but after so many things happened and I read something like what he wrote in the book, I feel the pain for the very first time, a deeper one compared to whatever books or lines I'd read in the past, that I guess, I understand how he feels because I feel the same too.  The kind of pain that only can be understood when you have the same experience. 
It is great, I guess?  To be able to find some similarities between you and someone who lives in different world and life from you, in a far distance, but something there is connecting the both of you, the same pain, the same guilt and the same feeling of abandonment.
Well, I think that's what we called 'growing up'.
The more you understand, the less you are able to put them in words, because some pains are unspeakable. 

There are things in life...

There are certain things you try hard to avoid in your whole life, yet they keep coming back to you invitingly, every now and then.

There are things too you once thought they won't happen to you no matter what, but years later just to find they had slowly crawling into your life, sneaking in and slowly destroying you old beliefs bit by bit.

Nada (St. John)

So as to taste the best learn to taste of nothing

So as to own all

let go of everything

So as to become who you are

walk away from yourself

So as to become wise

forget all you ever knew

So as to arrive at where you are not

you must walk the path of a nobody

This is what I believe

Happiness will keep you behave sweetly. Challenge will keep you strong. Sorrow will keep you human. Failure will keep you modest. Success will keep you passionate, but only your attitude and loyalty which will keep you moving forward.

Quoted from: http://www.bestinspirationalquotes4u.com/blog/37/life-that-can-be-explained-in-one-sentence/
Picture by Marcus Bell

Can I just get out from the office and lay down under one of the big trees out there and let the wind caresses my cheeks, ruffles my hair and whispers in my ears telling me all the wonders of the world?

We aren't old enough to be a...



Loneliness

"It was black like a thousand midnights in a cypress swamp. 

It was loneliness that is indescribable.

It brought confusion regarding God.

I experienced frustration with life and cirsumstances.

It was the feeling that you have been abandoned, that you are worthless.

I felt unloveable.

The pain was excruciating..."

by Cynthia Swindoll

Read it once and I felt the pain of hers, so just thought of sharing this and may those who are experiencing the same thing would find the strength and reason to continue the journey, even in the darkest moment in life.

Cher - You Havent Seen The Last Of Me

Feeling broken

Barely holding on

But there's just something so strong

Somewhere inside me

And I am down but I'll get up again

Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that

I won't stay around

But I'm gonna stand my ground

You're not gonna stop me

You don't know me

You don't know who I am

Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out

This is not the end

I'm down now

But i'll be standing tall again

Times are hard but

I was built tough

I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

I am far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

No no

I'm not going nowhere

I'm staying right here

Oh no

You won't see me begging

I'm not taking my bow

Can't stop me

It's not the end

You haven't seen the last of me

Oh no

You haven't seen the last of me

You haven't seen the last of me

@Oh man, I just love this song! 

In one fine Monday afternoon

Students' Study Week and Yahoooo...
But, marking their essays is like... Yukeeee!!!
The most painful struggling moment in every teacher life!
Well, this is the list of things that would make any of the English teachers cry their eyeballs out:
[and one question to ask - Who is their former English teacher? Well, of course, we don't put the blame one others, because the same question will be raised by the teachers who teach them after that :D]
1. He, She and sometimes It are used everywhere in the essay, just to talk about one single person (I called this Gender Confusion Syndrome)
2. Present tense and past tense are used in one single sentence - causing difficulties to the teachers who marked the essay suffered from "Jet Lag Syndrome", well, despite of air travel, we experience all the symptoms e.g: fatigue, insomnia and most importantly the changing of time zones from past to present and from present to past.
3. Most of them don't use transition words often, the moment they used it, it killed you!  Because, 'suddenly' is their only favourite transition words they love the most, regardless whether if the incident happened suddenly or not!  They just like to use it, to create the climax in their writing.  Well, they did it, I would say, at least to the teachers by getting know how creative their students could be in using the only and single one transition word 'suddenly' and expected it would make a big impact to the writing. 
Well, well, well... Let's continue marking, it is better than none of them are sending in anything!
Brenda, gambate ne!!! So do Nazz and Wana! Gambate ne!

Love at First Sight, by Wislawa Szymborska

Both are convinced


that a sudden surge of emotion bound them together.

Beautiful is such a certainty,

but uncertainty is more beautiful.



Because they didn’t know each other earlier, they suppose that

nothing was happening between them.

What of the streets, stairways and corridors

where they could have passed each other long ago?



I’d like to ask them

whether they remember– perhaps in a revolving door

ever being face to face?

an “excuse me” in a crowd

or a voice “wrong number” in the receiver.

But I know their answer:

no, they don’t remember.



They’d be greatly astonished

to learn that for a long time

chance had been playing with them.



Not yet wholly ready

to transform into fate for them

it approached them, then backed off,

stood in their way

and, suppressing a giggle,

jumped to the side. There were signs, signals:

but what of it if they were illegible.

Perhaps three years ago,

or last Tuesday

did a certain leaflet fly

from shoulder to shoulder?

There was something lost and picked up.

Who knows but what it was a ball

in the bushes of childhood.



There were doorknobs and bells

on which earlier

touch piled on touch.

Bags beside each other in the luggage room.

Perhaps they had the same dream on a certain night,

suddenly erased after waking.



Every beginning

is but a continuation,

and the book of events

is never more than half open.



-translated by Walter Whipple

A story of hers to tell

She planned for the suicide.


The suicidal thought is conquering her for quite some times. She has the sudden thought of hitting the divider every time traveling on the highway, on her way back to no where. A place called ‘home’ but not hers.

Sometimes, her body and her mind are not connected to each other. What she intended to say always left unspoken, she kept hurting those who love and care about her, and apologize and did it again and apologize again… over and over again…

She is tired, yet can’t help herself to hurt others and herself more.

She planned for the suicide, which eventually she didn’t make it. Too coward to survive, and even more coward to end her own life. She is not brave for anything.

She eventually chooses to be a nobody, pack her things and walk away… hoping no one will find her anymore and slowly disappear from the memories of whoever once know her as who she was.

But, if you looked carefully in the mirror, you will sometimes see her… so helpless and lost. And for most of the times, you turn your back and pretending you know nothing about her and walk away…

Black-out

Though it was a major black-out yesterday evening, it gave me a peace in mind for a few hours.


On my way walking back from the library, the whole college was silent and still… not even a single sound of human beings is heard and the best part, there wasn't any sound of machines that we used to hear every single day.

Only the dry leaves brushing through the ground and soft wind touching the trees and skin… what a peace of mind!

Seating in the office, throwing all the unused stuff and guessed what, it was a lovely experience, although it was a little bit warm in the office due to the black out. I threw tons of papers and organized my place, as I have always wanted. AS I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED and I only get it done in the very afternoon with no electricity supply.

It was the best Wednesday afternoon I ever have here. It was a short break and vacation, a real short one and this morning when I walked in the office seeing the light was on, there was a sense of irrevocably sadness within me.

Good bye, black-out and welcome to the world of light and battle.

Something I read somewhere

"If we are honest to ourselves, we can list almost everything that's ever happened to us - and see how we helped create it and build us."