Saturday, August 2, 2014


便


·


19/8/2009

不能说的秘密

( ) 偷来的爱情
这是一段偷来的爱情
所以不能说        不能奢求
伪装冷寞和残忍
保住最安全普通的距离
没有勇气承认或确定
把眼泪和思念藏在最深处
丛然眼神有时候不小心说了谎
有些感觉骗不了自己
但是我们已错过对的时间
所以
这份偷来的爱情
将是我永远不能说的秘密

( ) 安全防线
我们之间没有承诺
安分得站在最安全防线
努力掩饰可能的贪焚和思念
猜测在彼此的热情和残忍围绕
朦胧遥远的距离
卜疏迷离的感觉
都是我们没有勇气面对的抉择
也许并没有抉择
因为我们都是有包袱的人
输不起这样的一个赌局

( ) 迷糊
这些日子
我已经有些迷糊了
一直在原地踏步
裹足不前
也退回不了原来的位子
放不下的
害怕面对的
同样痛苦
我有一些逃避了
不敢颓废
因为害怕面对最真的感觉
那将是种无形的背叛
却又抗拒不了

偷偷在心里滋长的思念

11/2/2009

我们

我们都把最真实的感觉收藏起来
小心翼翼地把它伪装
希望没人发现
也害怕面对
什么都没说出口
我们都戴上了面具
冷寞的眼神背后藏着泛滥的思念
努力的若无其事
逞强的有些辛苦
但是我们都已经错过了时间
错过了对的人
也因为这样
我们只能选择沉默
选择最安全的防线
不让思念越轨
守住身边的幸福
毕竟我们之间是个未知数的赌注
谁也没勇气横冲直撞

因为都明白那会是场让彼此粉身碎骨的战役

2/4/2009

颓废

习惯了颓废
那已是种生活
有渺小的声音
那些从前的理想
嘶哑的无声呐喊
被绝望的心魔
层层淹没
习惯了       也麻木了

这么样的一种颓废

12/2/2009

自由

我想放手了        想自由
但是你却说
一个人的自由是自私的
我又再次
跳进那个我一直想逃离的圈套
不断重复
逃离又回来
在逃避和面对之间痛苦振扎
放不下的包袱和责任是重重枷锁
而放下了以后

那就是真的自由吗?

11/2/2009

Monday, June 9, 2014

Guard me, guard my heart

For many days in my life, I wanted to believe that you were there, you love me just the same, like yesterday and the days before and perhaps more than yesterday and before... I just couldn't help but to trip and fall in the trap of the powerful liar!
Oh Lord, please guard my heart as I have always seek from you...

纠结

送了朋友回家,又是再一次忘了回家的路。
这一个月以来,在这里走进走出了无数次,每一次还是要迷路,而今晚是绕的最久的。
走不出来,没有打电话求救,因为心在从DESARU回程以后就开始纠结,就像很久,很久以前那样。。。一直,一直打转,重回原地,还是不敢停下来。

我应该喜乐的,应该像每一次出游后感动开心的,但是今天没有,怎样都没有。
那感觉又回来了,像诅咒一样,越是努力摆脱越是如影随形。
越是快乐,越是痛苦,多么讽刺,交错。但是真的就是这样。
保罗说的两股力量在里面争战,就是这样吗?

看着没有动静的电话银幕,明白了,现在还是和以前一样,永远在最痛的时候,你永远没有出现。
一个,一个可能的朋友在脑海里重复翻阅,都是我爱的,也都爱我的,但是就是怎么样都说不出口。

孤独,破碎。。。
想哭,没有眼泪。永远是这样。。。

上帝,原谅我昨晚才告诉一个忧郁的姐妹要定睛看您,今天的我竟然出尔反尔。
上帝,这苦杯几时离去?
我努力,真的很努力在我所能的极限用我仅有的帮助身边的人,你要我耐心等候,我已经让自己等待的几乎沉睡。

上帝,你还在吗?


Friday, May 2, 2014

爱情


走过了曲折的岁月
你还相信爱情么
爱情
真的存在么
还是一切不过是虚幻
***
过眼云烟
爱情为谁停留过
它静悄悄来到
失手无措            来不及捕抓
似流沙从指尖流过
让心      悸动      荡血      撕裂
让你从此再也做不回自己
***
让人重新活过来的        是爱情

让灵魂枯萎       破碎的     还是爱情

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Secret


You came to me that night
You must have planned to tell about the pain you bear all these years
But you say nothing 
We end up drinking and laughing all night long
There was no sign of despair 
You laughed and you joked the whole night
10 o’clock in the morning
You were nowhere to be seen
You must have gone back home, I thought
The phone rang
They said you're gone
And you'd killed yourself
You say nothing 
Not even goodbye
Am I too ignorance to notice the bleakness creeping inside you
Or I was just too scared to mention about it
As much as you were afraid to share it with me too?
You were dead and I am not
If I have got a chance to tell you
The very night you came to me
I was planning to end my life
But I laughed and I drank
Instead of telling how much pain and guilt
Have been hiding and eating me up from inside
You are now gone 
And I have to live up with the secret that we shared 

To Ashely

Most of the times in my life, I always have the thought that I’m different from others and it makes u feel lonely because of it…
But it is different after meeting you, knowing I’m not the only and one who feel this way and have all the thoughts that I’ve tried to keep away from others.
We bear everything alone and never share, we keep quite and never say the pain, and we laugh furiously to tell everyone around us we are happy even though we are not; we don’t care what others think of us anymore, but it doesn’t mean it does not hurt when those we truly love refuse to understand or perhaps, they just do not know how to understand people like us… and slowly we keep everything only to ourselves and live our lives in the crowd of none of them are like us, avoid anyone to cross the line we drawn, refuse to be understood anymore, just to make sure we don’t get hurt.  We try to play at the safe side, which it does not always that safe as how we wanted it to be.
We are only living the life of an escapist, can’t really see ourselves clearly anymore…
We are different; therefore we must live a very different life from others, an interesting and a happy one…

Forever friends… I wanted to believe it does exist after all these years, after all those incidents and people who came and gone... 

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Jan 13, 2011


掏空了感觉,原来连睁开眼看世界那瞬间的勇气都没有;原来累了,真的什么都可以不要了;原来人是如此不可靠,如此不能被相信,而我也只不过是一个再也普通平凡不过的人。

做最好的自己

希望在还有呼吸的每一刻做最好的自己,看着的是自己脚尖那片影子,不是捕抓前面永远追赶不上的影子或是回头寻找已经遗失的昨天。

认识自己

认识自己
你有多认识你自己?
是自以为刚强却是不堪一击的自己
还是一直裹足不前却原来果断利落的那个你
你说你爱 但真的爱吗?
你说你可以 就真的是这样吗?
你有多认识你自己?
。。。
至于我
披着这个躯壳活了三十年
以为看清了 以为真的认识了
那个隐藏在我里面的那个我
其实
原来
真的
。。。没有。。。

Keep thy Hearth

Had a conversation with an almost 60 year-old lady who had recently filed a divorce and it was quite a disturbing conversation for someone like me who had just got married for less than a year... to know that how men would change (or precisely we all do) and want different things at different ages, how men can be world-best dads and fathers would still end up having affairs outside their marriage. She talked from experience and of others that she knows. Literally I'm aware of what's happening in the society and how trivial most people view marriage today, still it took me few days to digest the 'issue' and of course, the fear of what could possibly happen to my marriage one day...
And finally these are my conclusions:
1. Fear God, so you won't commit adultery or any kind of doings that disgrace God. 2. Seek help and strength from the above to fight for all the temptations, we alone are nothing but weak and small without Him.
3. We have hope and the hope is in Him.
4. Learn to 'keep thy hearth with all diligence;for out of it are the issue of life' [Proverb 4:23]
Amen!

明白 你

曾经在年少轻狂26岁那一年我嘲笑了你,说当时怎么32岁的你如此脆弱不堪一击,摆出的自信如此不自然做作。。。
现在的我31岁又两个月,终于体会什么是心力交瘁,明白为什么有些人需要伪装自信继续生存。
当你以为你很了解这个世界看得特别透彻的时候,其实你原来不过是盘旋在自己的世界里观看,你只不过是一个渺小到看不见的一个点站在无止境的地平线上,你原来什么都不知道都还看不透。。。
朋友,无论今天你身在哪里,都希望你加油坚强,因为我也在做着同样的努力。。。

缺陷 因着生命的成长而完全

你说 缺陷让你退缩
再也撑不住 伪装不下去
问我 不也累吗

我说
也许 我 比较自私 太爱自己
所以 他人眼光 对我没意义
即使缺陷都赤裸 一览无余
那又怎样
我还是我 
别人不过我的生活

所以 你
无需再 逞强 伪装
不要看谁潇洒就想过谁的生活
你永远是你自己
真的开心自在就好
缺陷会因着生命的成长而完全
所以 你
别急
让生命自己工作
你只要记得开心就好

主说,他们所做的他们不知道

早在亚当夏娃犯罪开始,这世界本来就丑陋。。。
人类,都是丑陋,自私,诡诈,如果不是因为主耶稣。
人类,都是自我保护意志非常强的生物,有时候甚至在重要关头牺牲把你牺牲的人可能就是你最亲的人。这个世界其实本来就很可怕,很绝望。
不过,还好我们有主耶稣,真的还好,也很好。
看清这个世界,看清人类的软弱,认清我们的罪,主说,他们所做的他们不知道。。。但还好我们知道,即使不多,就多他们一点,那也就是福气和恩典了!
神在丑陋的世界里注射了恩典和美意;在绝望中赐给了我们平安和希望,让明白神的人互相扶持,这就是盼望!

A random thought of the day

When I don't feel good, 
I shop a lot, 
I read and I don't talk, 
(Okay, I read bible, too)
I watch a lot of TV and I don't sleep,
Strictly no calls, no advice, no nagging...
I just want to spend a little bit more time with myself (and more precisely, with Him)
to get myself back in one piece,
to face the world, 
to battle uncertainties, 
to resist temptations,
to accept changes,
to feel loved,
to love once again,
to forget and forgive,
to hope more,
to have a little bit extra faith each day,
and to always steadfast in the Lord,
as the bible says "Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23

Life is a beautiful struggle

There are times we try so much to make sense of the world our own way, to understand people around us the most possible way, 
to find excuses for the mistakes we see in those we loved and cared, 
and decide to run away eventually when there is too much to endure...
so then, we hide ourselves in the dark, 
we groan quietly, 
we say to ourselves we could never get over it, 
but... someday, we just somehow managed to,
so we get up and brave our broken souls,
as in time all flowers turn to face the sun,
and once again... or perhaps it would be more than once that we will try
to forget and forgive, though the pain is so much unbearable,
to face the world and smile, though most of the times we fake it,
to pray and stay faithful to God, though deep inside us we know that our faith is wearing thin and sick,
because we know someday everything shall pass,
and God, His word is a lamp to our feet and a light for our path (Psalm 119:105)
Life, after all is a beautiful struggle...

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Good Men Do Nothing

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. 
~Edmund Burke~


The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men. 
~Plato~

FAILURE = GIFT from GOD

FAILURE never seems to be a good thing when it happens, but if failure strips away our cocky self-confidence, then failure is ultimately a GIFT from GOD.




You will be judged not by how many times you fall, but by the person you become when you get up.
~David Foster~


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

It Doesn't Matter Anymore


It is so noisy,
yet you feel bleak and lonely.

The more silent you are,
the more you're screaming inside.

You laugh out loud,
but it starts to pain the moment you stopped.

You keep telling yourself you're okay,
but then just to prove you're becoming more broken.

It is a dead deep hollow inside,
you are trapped and caged,
you are locked and incarcerated;
you feel yourself are drifting away,
nothing there for you to hold,
or perhaps,
you just don't want to be saved,
because nothing matters anymore,
and the things you used to care for
just not worth fighting for anymore.


Monday, August 6, 2012

It is never easy...



It is never easy to have a disease that will keep coming back to you again and again, especially when you have endevoured so much to overcome it, thought everything will go back to normal but then it is not...
I keep believing that God allows all these to happen because He wanted to make me stronger and well-versed in serving Him.  But then, sometimes I just couldn't take it.  I keep forgetting things, even it is just something that I have in mind a second ago.  I used to be very good in memorising things and very confident with every step taking.  But then the wonderful world collapsed.  I am somehow becoming a stranger to myself.  Hate it when every time I look into the mirror, I found a less confident, a more restless soul that I could hardly recognise.  It is never easy to have to live with a new self that you have no way to get rid of, except from trying to work things out so that you feel less miserable about yourself, so that you continue to believe that every day is worth living though most of the time you are not sure about it.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Resolution




Though it is not New Year, but these are what I'm determined to do:

1. Tithing
2. Daily devotinal
3. Daily prayer
4. 40-day of prayers

Like a rusty old toy


Like a rusty old toy

I break down

Lying silently at the darkest corner

So drown with the numbness

It is all bleak

Pitch dark

The time has forever stopped



*** *** *** ***



The time has forever stopped

Pitch dark

It is all bleak

So drown with the numbness

Lying silently at the darkest corner

I break down

Like a rusty old toy

A place somewhere only we know


A place where our loneliness remains hidden deep inside...

平安




我们很常被问起是否平安是否别来无恙,我们都习惯性说好,说平安。当在在回应平安时,我们心里是否真的觉得平安?我们真的觉得心里无比的平安而说平安么?还是因为我们都习惯别人这么问我们就这么答?同样的,当别人问我们好吗时,我们都习惯性地说好,说平安,即使很多时候回答时我们是怀疑自己的答案的,心里真的是不平安么?



说好,说平安是种习惯,而每一个人都意味着我们的回答一定是这样。没有人会认为我们会说不好,不平安。尝试如果我们有天来到教会有人向我们问安时,我们说,我很不好,很不平安,想必一般上很多人都对这种回答反应不过来,尽管所有人都明白,每一个人心里都有些许的不平安。多数的人,都没有办法承认自己心里的不平安,更别说是去面对别人心里的不平安。



平安究竟是什么?而它在我们的生活上又扮演着怎样的角色?



平安一般上分为两种:1。外在的平安

2。内在的平安



外在的平安就是我们所谓的没事,没意外,吉祥如意就是平安。



而内在的平安包括心里的平静,毫无欲望和怨恨。



为什么人会不平安?



1。为未知数和不确定而担心:



根据专家显示,人类常常处在于过份担心未知数和不确定的事情上,而且往往所担心的有40%是不会变成事实的事。

我们担心的事太多,不确定的事也太多,从国家的政治到泛滥的社会问题,从工作到家庭,孩子到自己。这些担心都导致我们对四周很没安全感,对很多事情和人都不信任。我们都失去了最初的单纯和热心,开始质疑,开始论断,无法和周围的人维持好的关系,接着就连和神之间的关系也会受影响。



2。与罪同行和罪责的问题:



圣经说:[恶人必不得平安。] (赛57:21)

如果心里充满妒忌,嫉妒,纷争,愤怒,高傲,甚至去行魔鬼的工作,例如,诈骗,奸淫,谋杀,心里就一定没有平安。和罪同行的人,是不会有神的智慧和知识,也不会产生分辨能力。

在历史上,最好的列子就是亚力三大国王,他在30岁时征服了世界成为大帝,但由于他过着凶暴和紧张的生活,内心没有平安,结果在33岁时就逝世了。

当我们犯罪的时候,我们的良心也从此赤裸,心里会不安,焦虑,结果在不安中生活。有些人为了逃避良心的责备,选择了堕落,自暴自弃,来抹杀良心的责备,结果就不知不觉走到了和魔鬼为伍的地步。

即使是一位无神论者,当身在困境中,还是会想,是不是因为自己做错了某某事而带来了上天的惩罚,又或着,因为自己曾经犯下的错误,而认为自己后来的良心责备甚至颓废的生活都是自己的罪有应得。有些人甚至于认为自己不配得着赦免,而不敢见神的面,从此心里就没有了平安。

保罗在加拉太书5:17-18记载到:[因为情欲和圣灵相争,这两个是彼此相敌,使你们不能做所愿意的。] 罪如果和圣灵相争,最痛苦的是我们自己,两股力量若在不断拉扯,最后分裂的是我们自己,这样又怎么会有平安呢?



3。假平安:



如果我们大家真的仔细看看我们的周围,不难发现,其实每一个人都向往平安。有人拜偶像,求平安,最后被骗财骗色,甚至还危害了自己的性命。

也有人在逆境时,花钱在世俗的激励书籍和课程,以为这样可以给自己真平安。我就是其中一个,Anthony Robbins, Chris Guillebeau, Robin S Sharma, Mitch Albom, Rhonda Byrne甚至何全峰,黄桐都是我喜欢的作家,但是疯狂地阅读到一个时候,我觉得这些书再也帮不到我,当时的我认为读什么都是假的,因为它们给的平安很短暂,最后,我还是回到最原始的激励书~圣经。

无可否认,市场上的激励作家或者课程在朔造型个人品行和思想是相当高的,但是它们都不是真理,分享的只是每一个人在生命不同的经历,启示和理论。经历和启示因人而异,同样的理论会不断更新,理论也非应许,唯有上帝的道是应许,是真理。

还有一种假平安是来自财富和自己引于为傲的才华,以为拥有这些就是保障,就是一种安全感,我很多时候也和其他人一样,认为这些就是所谓的安全感和信心。来自这些假平安的保障会让人引于为傲,接着就会和人做比较,产生嫉妒和贪念,最后带来的是犯罪和人性的灭亡。这一种平安随时会失去,可能因为病重无法工作而失去,或是被诈骗,最后还是没有了这短暂的平安。



什么又是真正的平安?又如何得着真正的平安?



1。和上帝和好/和睦:



小时候上主日学,我们都会唱一首歌‘葡萄树’:主是葡萄树,我们是枝子。如果想要有平安,我们就要学枝子一样,长在大树,定时吸取液体的滋润,才能茁壮成长。

很多非信徒甚至我也有遇过一些非信徒会有这种想法,不做亏心事就一定有平安。其实不然,永恒的平安来自我们和神和好的结果。

人一般在没遇到苦难时,平安是自然的,但是遇到逆境时,我们的平安和信心很快就被击毁。即使不做亏心事的人,在面对背叛和伤害之后,心里还可能有爱,有平安吗?

耶稣基督为我们的罪钉死在十字架上,唯有借着他的宝血,才能洗去我们一切的罪。罪被赦免了,在基督里成为新人以后,我们才因信称义,圣灵才开始在我们心里做感动的工作,把平安赐给我们,教我们学会宽恕和原谅,不管是对别人还是对自己。同时,也帮助我们过得胜的生活。和上帝的关系和好了,心里也才有爱,自然就和我们身边的人甚至自己的内心和好。单靠自己的行为和感觉我们是不能称义,心里也不会永恒的平安,我们一定要清楚自己是被神接纳的,是被他所喜悦的,才能让圣灵在我们心里工作,赐平安。我们要记得经上罗8:1-4所说的「如今那些在耶稣基督里的,就不定罪了。不随从肉体,只随从圣灵的人」



2。和罪恶争战:



和神和好,圣灵进入心中工作,给我们平安,帮助我们过得胜的生活,我们要保守从神而来的平安。

要常记得,即使基督徒也是会受魔鬼的干扰。魔鬼是无孔不入地时刻攻击我们,要我们相信他的谎言,相信神并不爱我们,让我们与神隔绝。所以我们要常常警醒祷告,弟兄姐妹们要彼此扶持,不做让别人跌倒的事。

靠着主耶稣给我们的力量,过分别为圣的生活,结出圣洁的果子。

一个遵守神的指意的人,心里一定有平安。



3。学会交托:



相信我们当中很多都玩过一个往后到的信心游戏,然后有一班弟兄姐妹会在身后接着我们。我觉得这个游戏很刺激,很好玩,但是每一次都还是很害怕,万一他们接不到我怎么办?万一自己太重把人压倒了怎么办?

交托代表着相信,也代表着别人可能带给你的失望,或者你可能带给别人的伤害。

其实,真的有多少人在往后倒那一刻是真的不怕的?又由多少人真的一开始就坚信不渝?

但是我们依然得相信为我们的罪而死的神,为我们预备的神,不要动摇,也不要靠着自己的力量。就连耶稣也交托他自己,在临死前上山祷告并求神的指意。

腓4:6-7说道:[ 应当一无挂虑,只要凡事借着祷告、祈求和感谢,将你们所要的告诉 神,神所赐出人意外的平安,必在基督耶稣里,保守你的心怀意念。] 如果神不担负我们的担忧,困扰,给我们平安,他就不会吩咐我们不要担忧,就不会叫我们卸下重担来到他跟前。

所以不管顺境逆境,都让我们学会交托,相信,知足,感恩。不知大家记不记得黄美廉这个人,我好像是在小学或中学时期就有读她的一些作品,所以对她的印象非常深刻。她是天生的脑性麻痹症,但是她却说了一句话,让我一直铭记在心:我不要看我所没有的,我只看我所拥有的。

富有时,我们要学会感谢赞美,并与别人分享我们心里的喜乐与平安,在缺乏时也同样感恩称谢,相信他是为我们预备的神,相信他是要在苦难中塑超我们成为他器皿的神,相信他是赐平安和喜乐的神。

在我结束今早的课题时,我想和大家分享STEVE JOBS这个人。相信大家对这个人并不陌生。去年十月他的死讯轰动了全球。在临终前却他道出心里对信仰的挣扎。他说他觉得他有时相信有神的存在,有时他不,他很矛盾,当他开始患上癌症时,思索信仰的事变多了,他说也许他很想相信有死后的世界。他把人生比喻成一个开关,一关你就消失了,也许因为这样所以他没有为iPHONE设计开关。那是何等可悲的一种想法。一个为世界带来了一个新改革的伟人,在临终前, 心里还是充满不平安,不确定。当然,他在离开以前还是没有办法找到他心里的答案。所以我深深觉得我们信主的人是有莫大的福分,因为我们心里有平安,有依靠,往后倒时,尽管害怕,我们还是有一双会接着我们的手,也清楚自己死后会去那里。但愿神赐给我们心里的平安像细水长流,是够我们用的,也不要吝啬把我们的平安与人分享。

*Sermon Training II, March 2012





 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Mine, eventually!

Well, Nazz told me this blog is no longer belonged under the English Unit anymore, which means it is officially mine now :D
Have not post anything for quite some times.  Not even update FB too. 
Sometimes, we just get tired of doing the same things over and over again. 
I'm back, yet not sure what to write...
How about writing Steve Jobs and the hot iPhone 4S?  ... Well, i guess too many are writing about this, it is going to sound boring...
To moan on Ashley's leaving?  Well, that supposed to be done earlier, in person (which was not done at all :D) not in the blog, after 1 month of her departure.
How about my parents who came here last August?  Hmmm... Maybe, nope!  It doesn't sound interesting at all, all about how they argued on small matters that caused me headache and dizziness.
Let's talk about my secret plan of getting married (secretly) and have a baby next year?!  Nay!  It doesn't supposed to be annouced here.
Or, the mix feelings that I'm having since last few days... To love or not to love, though i know it is not supposed to happen that way and it won't happen too. 
Just forget about it then, will be updating once I have something in mind then.