舞

这 是 一 只 跳 不 完 的 舞

没 有 固 定 的 舞 步

有 时 漂 亮 生 动

有 时 混 淆 不 清

有 时 掌 声

有 时 讥 笑

舞 衣 一 生 可 以 换 很 多 件

有 时 色 彩 缤 纷

有 时 暗 淡 无 光

舞 衣 不 是 常 常 都 合 身

偶 尔 还 是 会 紧 崩 地 喘 不 过 气

转 身 面 向 观 众 那 一 瞬 间 的 微 笑

别 过 身 之 后 便 消 失 的 无 影 无 踪

真 实 灿 烂 的 笑

一 生 不 知 会 有 几 回

身 边 的 舞 伴 来 来 去 去

没 有 停 留 太 久

却 留 下 一 辈 子 擦 拭 不 去 的 回 忆

是 美 丽 回 忆 还 是 撕 裂 心 肺

每 一 个 舞 伴 都 是 漂 亮 的 音 符

一 直 不 停 地 跳

不 停 地 更 换 舞 池

还 是 有 觉 得 很 累 的 时 候

常 常 很 想 就 这 样 不 跳

但 是

还 是 停 止 不 了

因 为 有 些 舞 伴 需 要 你 的 扶 持

所 以 继 续 盲 目 混 乱 地 跳

心 里 面 永 远 希 望 跳 出 一 只 漂 亮 的 舞

只 是 一 生 当 中 可 以 听 到 几 回 热 烈 的 掌 声

也 许 只 要 自 己 觉 得 漂 亮 那 就 好

跳 不 完 的 舞

有 时 快 乐· 有 时 沮 丧

也 许 这 样 最 后 才 会 成 为 一 生 最 漂 亮 的 舞

19/8/2009

不能说的秘密

( 一) 偷来的爱情

这是一段偷来的爱情

所以不能说        不能奢求

伪装冷寞和残忍

保住最安全普通的距离

没有勇气承认或确定

把眼泪和思念藏在最深处

丛然眼神有时候不小心说了谎

有些感觉骗不了自己

但是我们已错过对的时间

所以

这份偷来的爱情

将是我永远不能说的秘密

( 二) 安全防线

我们之间没有承诺

安分得站在最安全防线

努力掩饰可能的贪焚和思念

猜测在彼此的热情和残忍围绕

朦胧遥远的距离

卜疏迷离的感觉

都是我们没有勇气面对的抉择

也许并没有抉择

因为我们都是有包袱的人

输不起这样的一个赌局

( 三) 迷糊

这些日子

我已经有些迷糊了

一直在原地踏步

裹足不前

也退回不了原来的位子

放不下的

和

害怕面对的

同样痛苦

我有一些逃避了

不敢颓废

因为害怕面对最真的感觉

那将是种无形的背叛

却又抗拒不了

偷偷在心里滋长的思念

11/2/2009

我们

我们都把最真实的感觉收藏起来

小心翼翼地把它伪装

希望没人发现

也害怕面对

什么都没说出口

我们都戴上了面具

冷寞的眼神背后藏着泛滥的思念

努力的若无其事

逞强的有些辛苦

但是我们都已经错过了时间

错过了对的人

也因为这样

我们只能选择沉默

选择最安全的防线

不让思念越轨

守住身边的幸福

毕竟我们之间是个未知数的赌注

谁也没勇气横冲直撞

因为都明白那会是场让彼此粉身碎骨的战役

2/4/2009

颓废

习惯了颓废

那已是种生活

有渺小的声音

那些从前的理想

嘶哑的无声呐喊

被绝望的心魔

层层淹没

习惯了       也麻木了

这么样的一种颓废

12/2/2009

自由

我想放手了        想自由

但是你却说

一个人的自由是自私的

我又再次

跳进那个我一直想逃离的圈套

不断重复

逃离又回来

在逃避和面对之间痛苦振扎

放不下的包袱和责任是重重枷锁

而放下了以后

那就是真的自由吗？

11/2/2009

Guard me, guard my heart

For many days in my life, I wanted to believe that you were there, you love me just the same, like yesterday and the days before and perhaps more than yesterday and before... I just couldn't help but to trip and fall in the trap of the powerful liar!
Oh Lord, please guard my heart as I have always seek from you...

纠结

送了朋友回家，又是再一次忘了回家的路。
这一个月以来，在这里走进走出了无数次，每一次还是要迷路，而今晚是绕的最久的。
走不出来，没有打电话求救，因为心在从DESARU回程以后就开始纠结，就像很久，很久以前那样。。。一直，一直打转，重回原地，还是不敢停下来。

我应该喜乐的，应该像每一次出游后感动开心的，但是今天没有，怎样都没有。
那感觉又回来了，像诅咒一样，越是努力摆脱越是如影随形。
越是快乐，越是痛苦，多么讽刺，交错。但是真的就是这样。
保罗说的两股力量在里面争战，就是这样吗？

看着没有动静的电话银幕，明白了，现在还是和以前一样，永远在最痛的时候，你永远没有出现。
一个，一个可能的朋友在脑海里重复翻阅，都是我爱的，也都爱我的，但是就是怎么样都说不出口。

孤独，破碎。。。
想哭，没有眼泪。永远是这样。。。

上帝，原谅我昨晚才告诉一个忧郁的姐妹要定睛看您，今天的我竟然出尔反尔。
上帝，这苦杯几时离去？
我努力，真的很努力在我所能的极限用我仅有的帮助身边的人，你要我耐心等候，我已经让自己等待的几乎沉睡。

上帝，你还在吗？

爱情

走过了曲折的岁月

你还相信爱情么

爱情

真的存在么

还是一切不过是虚幻

***

过眼云烟

爱情为谁停留过

它静悄悄来到

失手无措            来不及捕抓

似流沙从指尖流过

让心      悸动      荡血      撕裂

让你从此再也做不回自己

***

让人重新活过来的        是爱情

让灵魂枯萎       破碎的     还是爱情

Secret

You came to me that night

You must have planned to tell about the pain you bear all these years

But you say nothing 

We end up drinking and laughing all night long

There was no sign of despair 

You laughed and you joked the whole night

10 o’clock in the morning

You were nowhere to be seen

You must have gone back home, I thought

The phone rang

They said you're gone

And you'd killed yourself

You say nothing 

Not even goodbye

Am I too ignorance to notice the bleakness creeping inside you

Or I was just too scared to mention about it

As much as you were afraid to share it with me too?

You were dead and I am not

If I have got a chance to tell you

The very night you came to me

I was planning to end my life

But I laughed and I drank

Instead of telling how much pain and guilt

Have been hiding and eating me up from inside

You are now gone 

And I have to live up with the secret that we shared 

To Ashely

Most of the times in my life, I always have the thought that I’m different from others and it makes u feel lonely because of it…

But it is different after meeting you, knowing I’m not the only and one who feel this way and have all the thoughts that I’ve tried to keep away from others.

We bear everything alone and never share, we keep quite and never say the pain, and we laugh furiously to tell everyone around us we are happy even though we are not; we don’t care what others think of us anymore, but it doesn’t mean it does not hurt when those we truly love refuse to understand or perhaps, they just do not know how to understand people like us… and slowly we keep everything only to ourselves and live our lives in the crowd of none of them are like us, avoid anyone to cross the line we drawn, refuse to be understood anymore, just to make sure we don’t get hurt.  We try to play at the safe side, which it does not always that safe as how we wanted it to be.

We are only living the life of an escapist, can’t really see ourselves clearly anymore…

We are different; therefore we must live a very different life from others, an interesting and a happy one…

Forever friends… I wanted to believe it does exist after all these years, after all those incidents and people who came and gone... 

Jan 13, 2011

掏空了感觉，原来连睁开眼看世界那瞬间的勇气都没有；原来累了，真的什么都可以不要了；原来人是如此不可靠，如此不能被相信，而我也只不过是一个再也普通平凡不过的人。

做最好的自己

希望在还有呼吸的每一刻做最好的自己，看着的是自己脚尖那片影子，不是捕抓前面永远追赶不上的影子或是回头寻找已经遗失的昨天。

认识自己

认识自己
你有多认识你自己？
是自以为刚强却是不堪一击的自己
还是一直裹足不前却原来果断利落的那个你
你说你爱 但真的爱吗？
你说你可以 就真的是这样吗？
你有多认识你自己？
。。。
至于我
披着这个躯壳活了三十年
以为看清了 以为真的认识了
那个隐藏在我里面的那个我
其实
原来
真的
。。。没有。。。

Keep thy Hearth

Had a conversation with an almost 60 year-old lady who had recently filed a divorce and it was quite a disturbing conversation for someone like me who had just got married for less than a year... to know that how men would change (or precisely we all do) and want different things at different ages, how men can be world-best dads and fathers would still end up having affairs outside their marriage. She talked from experience and of others that she knows. Literally I'm aware of what's happening in the society and how trivial most people view marriage today, still it took me few days to digest the 'issue' and of course, the fear of what could possibly happen to my marriage one day...
And finally these are my conclusions:
1. Fear God, so you won't commit adultery or any kind of doings that disgrace God. 2. Seek help and strength from the above to fight for all the temptations, we alone are nothing but weak and small without Him.
3. We have hope and the hope is in Him.
4. Learn to 'keep thy hearth with all diligence；for out of it are the issue of life' [Proverb 4:23]
Amen!

明白 你

曾经在年少轻狂26岁那一年我嘲笑了你，说当时怎么32岁的你如此脆弱不堪一击，摆出的自信如此不自然做作。。。
现在的我31岁又两个月，终于体会什么是心力交瘁，明白为什么有些人需要伪装自信继续生存。
当你以为你很了解这个世界看得特别透彻的时候，其实你原来不过是盘旋在自己的世界里观看，你只不过是一个渺小到看不见的一个点站在无止境的地平线上，你原来什么都不知道都还看不透。。。
朋友，无论今天你身在哪里，都希望你加油坚强，因为我也在做着同样的努力。。。

缺陷 因着生命的成长而完全

你说 缺陷让你退缩
再也撑不住 伪装不下去
问我 不也累吗

我说
也许 我 比较自私 太爱自己
所以 他人眼光 对我没意义
即使缺陷都赤裸 一览无余
那又怎样
我还是我 
别人不过我的生活

所以 你
无需再 逞强 伪装
不要看谁潇洒就想过谁的生活
你永远是你自己
真的开心自在就好
缺陷会因着生命的成长而完全
所以 你
别急
让生命自己工作
你只要记得开心就好

主说，他们所做的他们不知道

早在亚当夏娃犯罪开始，这世界本来就丑陋。。。
人类，都是丑陋，自私，诡诈，如果不是因为主耶稣。
人类，都是自我保护意志非常强的生物，有时候甚至在重要关头牺牲把你牺牲的人可能就是你最亲的人。这个世界其实本来就很可怕，很绝望。
不过，还好我们有主耶稣，真的还好，也很好。
看清这个世界，看清人类的软弱，认清我们的罪，主说，他们所做的他们不知道。。。但还好我们知道，即使不多，就多他们一点，那也就是福气和恩典了!
神在丑陋的世界里注射了恩典和美意;在绝望中赐给了我们平安和希望，让明白神的人互相扶持，这就是盼望!

A random thought of the day

When I don't feel good, 
I shop a lot, 
I read and I don't talk, 
(Okay, I read bible, too)
I watch a lot of TV and I don't sleep,
Strictly no calls, no advice, no nagging...
I just want to spend a little bit more time with myself (and more precisely, with Him)
to get myself back in one piece,
to face the world, 
to battle uncertainties, 
to resist temptations,
to accept changes,
to feel loved,
to love once again,
to forget and forgive,
to hope more,
to have a little bit extra faith each day,
and to always steadfast in the Lord,
as the bible says "Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23

Life is a beautiful struggle

There are times we try so much to make sense of the world our own way, to understand people around us the most possible way, 
to find excuses for the mistakes we see in those we loved and cared, 
and decide to run away eventually when there is too much to endure...
so then, we hide ourselves in the dark, 
we groan quietly, 
we say to ourselves we could never get over it, 
but... someday, we just somehow managed to,
so we get up and brave our broken souls,
as in time all flowers turn to face the sun,
and once again... or perhaps it would be more than once that we will try
to forget and forgive, though the pain is so much unbearable,
to face the world and smile, though most of the times we fake it,
to pray and stay faithful to God, though deep inside us we know that our faith is wearing thin and sick,
because we know someday everything shall pass,
and God, His word is a lamp to our feet and a light for our path (Psalm 119:105)
Life, after all is a beautiful struggle...

Good Men Do Nothing

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. 

~Edmund Burke~

The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men. 

~Plato~

FAILURE = GIFT from GOD

FAILURE never seems to be a good thing when it happens, but if failure strips away our cocky self-confidence, then failure is ultimately a GIFT from GOD.

You will be judged not by how many times you fall, but by the person you become when you get up.

~David Foster~

It Doesn't Matter Anymore

It is so noisy,
yet you feel bleak and lonely.

The more silent you are,
the more you're screaming inside.

You laugh out loud,
but it starts to pain the moment you stopped.

You keep telling yourself you're okay,
but then just to prove you're becoming more broken.

It is a dead deep hollow inside,
you are trapped and caged,
you are locked and incarcerated;
you feel yourself are drifting away,
nothing there for you to hold,
or perhaps,
you just don't want to be saved,
because nothing matters anymore,
and the things you used to care for
just not worth fighting for anymore.

It is never easy...

It is never easy to have a disease that will keep coming back to you again and again, especially when you have endevoured so much to overcome it, thought everything will go back to normal but then it is not...

I keep believing that God allows all these to happen because He wanted to make me stronger and well-versed in serving Him.  But then, sometimes I just couldn't take it.  I keep forgetting things, even it is just something that I have in mind a second ago.  I used to be very good in memorising things and very confident with every step taking.  But then the wonderful world collapsed.  I am somehow becoming a stranger to myself.  Hate it when every time I look into the mirror, I found a less confident, a more restless soul that I could hardly recognise.  It is never easy to have to live with a new self that you have no way to get rid of, except from trying to work things out so that you feel less miserable about yourself, so that you continue to believe that every day is worth living though most of the time you are not sure about it.