It Doesn't Matter Anymore

It is so noisy,
yet you feel bleak and lonely.

The more silent you are,
the more you're screaming inside.

You laugh out loud,
but it starts to pain the moment you stopped.

You keep telling yourself you're okay,
but then just to prove you're becoming more broken.

It is a dead deep hollow inside,
you are trapped and caged,
you are locked and incarcerated;
you feel yourself are drifting away,
nothing there for you to hold,
or perhaps,
you just don't want to be saved,
because nothing matters anymore,
and the things you used to care for
just not worth fighting for anymore.

It is never easy...

It is never easy to have a disease that will keep coming back to you again and again, especially when you have endevoured so much to overcome it, thought everything will go back to normal but then it is not...

I keep believing that God allows all these to happen because He wanted to make me stronger and well-versed in serving Him.  But then, sometimes I just couldn't take it.  I keep forgetting things, even it is just something that I have in mind a second ago.  I used to be very good in memorising things and very confident with every step taking.  But then the wonderful world collapsed.  I am somehow becoming a stranger to myself.  Hate it when every time I look into the mirror, I found a less confident, a more restless soul that I could hardly recognise.  It is never easy to have to live with a new self that you have no way to get rid of, except from trying to work things out so that you feel less miserable about yourself, so that you continue to believe that every day is worth living though most of the time you are not sure about it.