Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Our days isn't countless...

Our days isn't countless, it's countable... I wake up everyday and praise Him for He has done great miracles in my life. I testified to Kent's  parents last night on how God healed my back pain, how I gained my period after it stopped completely for 4 years through prayers (both modern and traditional medicine didn't work), how God has laid his hands on my family... but I am yet to testify about my depression, I believe I'm not ashamed of it. It's just not something that you would simply share with anyone, as it involves so much emotional battle in it.

Kent 's mum questioned me about Kent's baptism last week. They knew I am a Christian and I shared some of my experiences with them sometimes but not about Kent receiving Christ. I believe in testifying God both in words and actions (actions is more reliable than words).  That's what I told one of the youths last week too. See! How great is our Lord. He made me experienced what I said to others immediately. Kent was quiet last night, I wasn't disappointed, I know God has His timing. I did my part to testify Him. I hope too, that all this while when they told others I'm a good daughter-in-law, even if it doesn't glorify God, it has not shamed God.

Kent received Christ in the 10th year of our relationship, when I was healed from my depression (we almost didn't make it in the relationship...). He claimed to witness how great is the Lord and kept telling me that I could not/should not leave God. 

Our discussion ended peacefully, they didn't receive Christ, but I had testified God the same way I did with the rest. The rest, to God, I surrender.

Our days isn't long, time doesn't wait and would not stop for anyone or anything. We don't understand and will never understand His plan. Just like how hopeful some people were when they prayed for Vincent but he just passed on, contradicts to what we hope and want. This life isn't long, but it's enough to allow God to work His miracles in our lives. We were touched by the Holy Spirit to receive God, so easily, with some of us without much affliction, we are the choosen ones who live in a peaceful country despite some man-made political issues, we are safe and still harmonious. We despise some courses and talks offer by the church, even the preachers sometimes, make excuses to not joining any services and fellowhips, complain how bad and difficult things are for us while in some parts of the world, people thirst for gospel, having a bible is difficult than to get a warmth clothes during the winter, some or perhaps many have no chances to get anything like we do, some Christians are killed to stand for God. We are not prefect and nobel, no one is, we are merely sinners as low as dust. But His love is too great that He chose to forgive our ignorance and wait for us...

Nothing in life is greater than He is, not our problems, not our family, spouses/partners, not our pride, beauty, youth, talents and wealth, not even health... whatever He gives, He is capable of taking it all back... Job 1:21 [and said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.  The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praise."]

Sorry for being so straightforward sometimes and making myself sounds so perfect, I am NOT! There are days  when you won't see me at all, not at church, not serving at all, because I'm not made perfect by God, perhaps some of you are going through the same thing too (I don't know-shrugged), but whatever it is, He is there, always, waiting faithfully for us to turn to Him, to repent and bow low so He could work in us. Let's encourage each other, walk this through together, because He is the one who stands between us. Whatever I'm sharing and writing here is when I'm physically, mentally and psychologically fit to do it, there are days when I can't do it at all, I need you to share the miracles God has done in your life to remind me once again how great is His love. God doesn't want us to be alone and doesn't want us to live in bitterness, but to experience joy and peace. Let's go home 🏃🏿‍♀🏃🏿‍♂👬👭👫💒 because our time is running low... life is priceless...

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Flashing back

My thought is racing everyday and that somehow implies I'm alive, from the inside, I think. Some asked, do I really have so much to write everyday. I don't know how to answer to that, as I have never thought about that before. I started writing when I was in standard two, wasn't something like what I'm writing now, but more to movies. I somehow wrote down the movies I liked, I remember writing about Batman, Anne of Green Gables series, especially. My imagine ran so wild that I wish I would one day be a writer doctor 😂 but I ended up being a teacher who writes but not a writer. Being the first child in the family, and both parents busied fulfilling their responsibilities, one as the sole bread-winner and another one religiously serving the family, I filled my time watching a lot of English movies and books on my own, despite stealing cigarettes from my grandparents who owned a store downstairs, smoking with my sister and friends was one of my serious businesses when I was young 😂 I was good at wandering around with my childhood buddies too, Leonard (my bff), his sister, Lesley, Li Kwong, Wee Li, and his bully brother, Wei Ren. My sister, Brenna, who is 3 years younger than me tailed every where I go faithfully. But somehow you just unknowingly left those who used to trust you and follow you from the back, I had my own life after I moved out from the house in form 6... to one point, I blamed myself so much for not being with her through her difficult times in life, as if I was the one whom betrayed and abandoned her... I used to dream that I left her in the dark crying... I couldn't forgive myself... but I did after that, knowing God has different plans for everyone and everything is in His control. Alleluia! She's happily married with two kids (my godchildren, another one soon to follow). Those were the ones etched in my memories. And, of course, Aunty Rubby, my nanny, whom I never have the chance to meet for nearly 30 years. Ironically, my sister is the one whom met her few times in this recent years. She was the forever gentle feminine in my childhood memory, with her flare skirt and long curly hair. I have never forgotten her, but deep down in my heart I'm sacred to see her again, I'm scared to lose all the good memories I had with her in the past. The forever young and gentle her.

I seldom got to see my dad, he'd some businesses outside. Aggressive, brutal, courageous, ambitious, outspoken, call him anything that has to do with masculinity, that somehow affect the way how I see men. I always believe men should be brave and stern, well, I ended up married a man with few words and at times, I'm a better fighter than he is 😅😂 My mom is the ever perfect woman I have ever meet in life, her OCD with hygienic, her hours of "runway show" and make up session before going out, I am the contrary of her. She would never wear sluggishly like I do, she complains about my messy hair, faded shirts, dark skin due to sport, not wearing skirt, being not feminine enough etc to this very day 😂 but I still love her very much, she's the most loving mother in the world, if it wasn't because of her, we could never survive and somehow able to live a quite happy life now (My dad WAS an abusive dad). I thank Lord for what He has done to our family, my dad has eventually chose to bow down to Him, to us, he is now a toothless tiger who needs a lot of attention and love 😂

I miss both sides of my parents' parents. I remember saving money to buy my bed-ridden grandfather a pack of dumplings weekly without failed during my secondary time, we shared stories and news and history. He couldn't see and walk, but he read the time well. He was the second person who received the salvation after me (but according to him, he was a Christian before he's 16, before he came to Malaya). My petite grandmother who grumbled a lot, small but strong, and love us. She's the one who sent us to school when we were young and brought us around with a piece of cloth tight on her back. Too bad that when she's badly ill, I was in UPM, I didn't even get the chance to meet her at her last breath. For that, I cried a lot, almost every year, I never celebrate April fool after her death. (Now I remember I do cry... how could I just skip this in my mind?) Then my grandma of my mother's side, I called her up every week either by house phone or public phone at school after my basketball session, a day before she went into comma, she called me up for the first time and the last time... the older my mom is now the more she looks like our grandma, and I see her shadow in her... and my grandad whom passed away this year...

I guess I'm blessed... I managed to have good relationship and memories with the 4 of them, three received Christ except my grandma who was the first to pass away and I was way too young to share the gospel with her... my faith grows stronger as I look back, knows that God was already there for me even before I know Him. So much ignorance, hurt and pain, has all gone with the wind. Good memories stay, hope grows stronger every time after the darkest hours passed. To the glory of God, who lives in us.

This is the outcome of my preparation for tonight sharing in youth ministry 😂👆 as usual never short and always grumpy 😅 I'm happy that I'm still able to write after all that had happened... it's a gracious blessing...

Thursday, May 17, 2018

1st May - Cry

I have never seen crying as something good to do until yesterday. I have a total different view on this after a hiking with the youths, after the prayer meeting last night.

I don't remember I ever have the need to cry. The one last time I cried was back in 2015/2016 when I first watched ""The Passion of Christ" for the first time after avoiding watching it for years. I cried as I felt I wasn't there to help Jesus (a foolish thought, of course; my spontaneous humane response towards His misery) and I cried because He was despised and left alone.

Minus the death of my closed ones, I don't cry, I just don't, no matter how heavy and pain I feel inside of me. Not even the night sis Lai Mun cried the night we prayed sang for her in the hospital. Watching her cried and followed by another two sisters who came with me, I buried all my feelings so deep inside. The most I would do share my sorrow through words with those few I trust. Even Kent cries sometimes, watching movies and listening to songs. He will turn his head at me and expect me to do the same, which I normally end up either laughing at him or ignoring him.

I visit others and pray for them. They would cry sometimes. I feel for them deep inside, but I just couldn't have my tears stream down. To one point, I think I am just cold-blooded. My mom sometimes calls me that way, as she is a woman who cries, almost in all occasions. I envy her sometimes and suspected I may just be her adopted child. Despite all this, I like myself for not crying thou. And I don't feel the need to cry or to be taken care of. I refuse every possible help and care from others. I feel I don't need any of this, I am a good practicer of self-sufficiency.

Being brought-up in a family, where I spent most of my childhood watching TV and witnessing my parents argued and quaralled. I grew up telling myself I can't trouble anyone but to take good care of myself on my own. I was just naive, not sad, I think?! But, somehow it has a tremendous effect in my entire life later on. And many years later in my life, then only I realised how much God has loved me so greatly that He found me when I was 5 years old. He knew I was lonely, someting I couldn't understand at the age of 5.

I met a lot of wonderful people in life, who are good to me, but somehow some just changed and left one day. I believe people left because they have no better reasons to stay. So I told myself it is alright. It was alright all this while until my best of friend, someone who has religiously-inspired me, probably the only one whom understands my writing and promised will have my back til the end of time, one day just told me she could no longer understand me anymore as she feels the joy God filled her with. I guess, I scattered into pieces, but it's just so quiet and hidden that I couldn't hear my own voice. We were friends for almost 20 years... we trust each other with our brokeness, and she just walked away and I was left alone lost in the desert. I don't remember if I ever asked why to God, I only remember the feeling of sinking deep in hollow and the thought of she is healed from her depression is a blessing in my misery. Yet I gave thank to God and for a long time I believe that she is the blessed one who is healed eventually. I never had such a bad self-pity but this time.

I noticed a sudden outpouring of sorrow and grief the day I told Peggy, I don't have a best friend anymore. I am good to others and have great number of close friends but never so close... the feeling of every friend is just the same now saddens me. Still, no crying. Keep telling myself that God allows this, because He wants me to be emotionally stronger. Living my life so normal until I was once again dignosed with symptoms of relapse early of Feb. The thought of cutting my wrist struck during praise and workship of one of the Sunday Services at SCMC in March rang an alarm. What a struggle and confusion to go through. The only person I wish to see was Pastor Sim, but not with the intention of sharing anything. Kent has been a good friend and spouse all these years, but to burden him is the last thing I would do. Sometimes, I think I married a best friend whom I feel I want him to be in my life forever but not to trouble him. I even told him if one day, I am too much for him to bear, let's just end everything. I am perfectly alright to live alone. I always believe if I have not met Kent, I would stay single.

I believe God is good, He is with me in the storms that no one notices. Except from cutting off all swimming, no more cooking and jogging, starting to turn down dates, I am good in controlling myself still. I pray more and better compared to the past, in which I couldn't even feel a thing, not even His presence. I think that is a sort of improvement after all. I managed to get up and go out from the house and serve. With my broken soul I asked God to heal, I went and prayed for Lai Mun and others. What an irony. I learnt to experience Him in serving others. A few those I prayed for claimed to be released from their fear and sorrow. Sometimes I question God, when would Him take this on and off relapse from me. There is no one certain answers. He never says anything to me.

But yesterday, for the first time in my life, I wanted to be loved and taken care by others. I admitted my exhaustion of pretending to be strong, as how others always perceive me. I wanted to feel love. By God and by those who don't mind about my brokeness and ugliness at all. God opens up what is sealed deep in me through psalms 86. For all this while, I could only think of to surrender to God and loved by Him, but not others. Last night, it breaks the mould, God says you were badly hurt, but there are others who are capable of loving you and would try to love you because I live in them. Sit and rest next to those who come to you, enjoy the companion. Give your hands to those who wiling to hold you a little longer. I am with you all this while and forever will.

So, I cried, sat next to Rev Wan, one chair away from Kent. For the first time in my life, I enjoyed crying. Continued crying in the car while sharing my real thought to Kent. It heals something in me. The hiking too, I feel alive. When Mic Sew shared how cold the top of the Mount Ledang is yesterday, being an imaginative person, I felt the chill and visualised myself having devotion on top of the mount, only God and me.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

There are times...

There are times we try so much to make sense of the world our own way, to understand people around us the most possible way,
to find excuses for the mistakes we see in those we loved and cared,
and decide to run away eventually when there is too much to endure...
so then, we hide ourselves in the dark,
we groan quietly,
we say to ourselves we could never get over it,
but... someday, we just somehow managed to,
so we get up and brave our broken souls,
as in time all flowers turn to face the sun,
and once again... or perhaps it would be more than once that we will try
to forget and forgive, though the pain is so much unbearable,
to face the world and smile, though most of the times we fake it,
to pray and stay faithful to God, though deep inside us we know that our faith is wearing thin and sick,
because we know someday everything shall pass,
and God, His word is a lamp to our feet and a light for our path (Psalm 119:105)
Life, after all is a beautiful struggle...

Sunday, February 8, 2015


有些旷野 永远是你自己一个人在走
真的没人 没有一个可以陪你到终点
你不是没相信过 可是你更明白这世界
真的真心过就好 从来不要刻意相信誓言
人总在苦难潦倒时 紧紧抓住 相依偎
事过境迁 谁都想忘记当初 憧憬未来
其实 也实在没关系 微笑再见 真的没关系
谢谢来过的 停留过的 试着去明白的
能走过来多好 不要刻意 或挖掘或回首
所以再见 也或者不要再见 无需掉头回眸
上帝 是你仅有 一直对你最好的那个

Friday, January 9, 2015

First in 2015

It's a never ending struggle... you thought you made it, but you never have made it through anyway...
Nothing is worse than giving up on yourself, knowing that it's wasting everyone's time to focus on how things could get better for you.  There were hands that you grabbed and you chose to let go because you know no one is walking through it with you, even if they say so and they did some how at one point stick with you.  It's not others to be blamed for you incurable disease, maybe not yourself too.  Drifting away from everything, like floating in the air, you feel nothing, nothing to hold, you are alone, again and again.  Whatever others say about making it through, blessing in disguise etc, all seem to be so unfamiliar to you.  You stare blankly at those who share their experience of how much their enjoy their life now than before after been through the whole damn struggle.  You are not judging, you just feel nothing at all, as you were once said that kind of stuff too and look at you now, everything seems to have gone back to normal and you are again slipping away.  And you stop questioning about it now, you somehow realise and expect to have to live with it the whole life til death parted you both, if only death brings it to a stop.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Had a conversation with an almost 60 year-old lady who had recently filed a divorce and it was quite a disturbing conversation for someone like me who had just got married for less than a year... to know that how men would change (or precisely we all do) and want different things at different ages, how men can be world-best dads and fathers would still end up having affairs outside thier marriage. She talked from experience and of others that she knows. Literally I'm aware of what's happening in the society and how trivial most people view marriage today, still it took me few days to digest the 'issue' and of course, the fear of what could possibly happen to my marriage one day...
And finally these aremy conclusions:
1. Fear God, so you won't commit adultery or any kind of doings that disgrace God. 2. Seek help and strength from the above to fight for all the temptations, we alone are nothing but weak and small without Him.
3. We have hope and the hope is in Him.
4. Learn to 'keep thy hearth with all diligence;for out of it are the issue of life' [Proverb 4:23]
Student: Teacher, I'll give you a letter regarding my absence last week.
Teacher: Sure! Are you okay? 
Student: I went to KL with my family, my brother had an accident...
Teacher: Oh, okay! So, how's he?
Student: He passed away... 

She walked back to her seat, leaving the teacher with her stupid shocking face :O

And a moment later, she started joking with her friends...

* * *

Question 1: Are people now better in accepting death than people back then?
Or perhaps, she just doesn't know how to react?

Question 2: What's in her mind?
Is it something like, 'Hey! Life goes on! What's the point being darned sad when you know died means dead, end of story, finished, full stop!'
Or, 'Leave me alone! I just dont want to talk about it! You can't see my tears doesnt mean I'm not sad, it's just too fake to cry about it anymore...'

So, was I the one who is thinking too much here or the one who could never learn to accept death? ...
你说 缺陷让你退缩
再也撑不住 伪装不下去
问我 不也累吗

也许 我 比较自私 太爱自己
所以 他人眼光 对我没意义
即使缺陷都赤裸 一览无余

所以 你
无需再 逞强 伪装
所以 你
曲终 人散
留下半支烟 残留的dry martini
不断 重复 交替
It'd happened. Past. Full-stop. But, the pain etched forever in those who experience the loss... People from all walk of life prayed and waited for miracles to happen, but there ain't any miracles... hopes and miracles were destroyed by those who do not fear God... No doubt satan is the master who roams this earth, the master of lust, greed and desire, let's all perish when the judgemental day is here... 
In Him, I hope and pray, seek for forgiveness and repent, though I would never look at it the same way anymore...
When I don't feel good, 
I shop a lot, 
I read and I don't talk, 
(Okay, I read bible, too)
I watch a lot of TV and I don't sleep,
Strictly no calls, no advice, no nagging...
I just want to spend a little bit more time with myself (and more precisely, with Him) 
to get myself back in one piece,
to face the world,
to battle uncertainties,
to resist temptations,
to accept changes,
to feel loved,
to love once again,
to forget and forgive,
to hope more,
to have a little bit extra faith each day,
and to always steadfast in the Lord,
as the bible says "Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23
There are times we try so much to make sense of the world our own way, to understand people around us the most possible way, 
to find excuses for the mistakes we see in those we loved and cared, 
and decide to run away eventually when there is too much to endure...
so then, we hide ourselves in the dark, 
we groan quietly, 
we say to ourselves we could never get over it, 
but... someday, we just somehow managed to,
so we get up and brave our broken souls,
as in time all flowers turn to face the sun,
and once again... or perhaps it would be more than once that we will try
to forget and forgive, though the pain is so much unbearable,
to face the world and smile, though most of the times we fake it,
to pray and stay faithful to God, though deep inside us we know that our faith is wearing thin and sick,
because we know someday everything shall pass,
and God, His word is a lamp to our feet and a light for our path (Psalm 119:105)
Life, after all is a beautiful struggle...
再爱 再痛 再不舍
不说再见 不要为难
即使那是很久 很久以后的事
Packed some stuff tonight and found all the 3 inches high heels sealed and hidden long time ago after knowing that I would never get to wear any of them anymore... Well, there will come the time where you accept the way you are now, no matter how frustrated and how much you mourn about it, life goes on and you just found some other alternatives to make yourself happier so you could forget the past, stand tall and move on... 
As for me now, I'm looking forward to experiencing the wonders of God and it will definitely be something way better than the 3 inches high heels that I once obsessed with...



你知道 你都 知道
它会再次奋不顾身 横冲直撞
直到你再次 再次的 支离破碎

所以 转身离开吧
都不要 不要再想念

人生 无法完美
但是 你可以不要放肆的痛苦
有一天 你会发现
最后 最好的 你还有你自己
The best thing in life one could finally understand is... the joy of dancing in the rain and hoped for the rainbow, though the darkness, hurt, pain and suffering may envelope one's life every now and then... 
Still thank the Lord, for He gives one enough strength and courageous to face all battles... and few angels to always remind one of how much one was loved and cared for...
说了 就真的
坦然面对 放下 和 解脱了吗
张牙虎爪 千苍百孔 的我

上帝 他行在公义和怜悯之上
而我 能有多骄傲
既然 放肆行在自我的欲望里
即使 知道是魔鬼的诡计谎言
还是选择了相信 堕落 自傲
卑微却无知 高傲却愚蠢

已经片体鳞伤 千蒼百孔
愤怒的不认输 不喊痛

如此 任性 无知 不爱你的我
你 为何 依然爱
依然让我重生 重新得力

上帝 你的慈爱 怜悯 公义
长阔高深 超越所有
胜过保守一切所有 所有
我们其实除了上帝 什么也没有
豪宅 洋房 汽车 存款 名牌 伴侣

我们除了自己 一具躯壳 和灵魂
卸下一切 什么都不是
事业成就 身份名利 权势财富 容貌智慧
我们既卑微无能 竟讽刺的骄傲
将自己捧在世界的中心 不知所谓 无知肤浅
原来连这具被岁月摧残的残喘不堪的 躯壳 和 灵魂 都不属于我们

讽刺的我 和 你
本来就应该 羞愧 面红耳赤
既然 什么都不是我们的
谦卑跟随主 还要有所顾虑么

短暂的生命 你想它绽放的什么 它就是什么
妳挽着Hermes Birkin一脸不屑
你驾着Bugatti挥身尊贵 霸气

你和妳 永远夹着墨镜
一种象征 身份地位 隔膜
高高在上 不可一世 自卑
其实 妳和你
墨镜背后 尽都破碎不堪
所以 你和妳
挽住的包 代步的车

妳和你 伪装得累么

你和妳 可以继续纸醉金迷
然后继续寂寞 为我独尊

如果有一天妳抛下Hermes和墨镜 赤着脚奔过Beverly Hills
还有你 脱下Tommy Hilfiger的T和墨镜 汗流夹背得奔跑在Lake Pontchartrain Causeway
谁在看 谁在意
你和妳 我和你
所以 还有什么大不的么
爱我的 我爱的
陪我走过的 途中离开的 陪我到最后的
我都知道 没卖怨 都感恩
这个世界这么大 天空这么辽阔
So, we are different... I thought we share a lot of things in common and we could make good friends, but we don't actually... Sorry for my straightforwardness and open-minded, but I wouldn't simply change just because of you, I have been living this way for almost 32 years and I can't be someone else, who is not me at all... But you are indeed one great person that I have ever known, perhaps we are just not meant to be good friends and that's okay for me, really...
要沉得住气 习惯寂寞啊
没有人 可以陪妳一直走下去

坚强啊 不要再轻易泄气
加油啊 再痛还是要熬过去

今天执着深爱的人 纠结的爱
再痛再不堪的 在很久以后
所以 女人啊 加油再加油
Yet to sleep at 2.42am and was so shocked to find that the white blouse that I planned to wear for tomorrow night event is still quietly and smelly sitting in the laundary basket... Oh, man! Hate this! So I rolled down from the bed and headed straight to the washing machine... The most exciting part was after getting my business done with the washing machine, the fresher I felt... Darn!!! And tomorrow is a sport day == And with the dark circles that I will be having due to this sleepless night and bending my body one side due to the pain beared for days tomorrow, it would be a long rough day for me... 
Couldn't stop thinking of a few things that happened currently of how humourous God was... that He knew I am a sad but strong-headed and angry child whom never listen and difficult to handle by others, so He got me some friends who face the same problem and got me to handle them to look for answers... He is real tricky but great! He does wonders! The answer that I am looking for is always within me...
So I will get few things done started from now...
1. Be myself still, even though most of you may not like me... who cares? I don't! I am just me, I can't be somebody else... trying to change me proves that you never really see me clearly and what's more to accept and love me?! If we don't share the same wave same channel same path, just walk away and I am fine with it! And of course I don't hate you for that, I never wasted my time on unnecessary matters.
2. I don't believe in giving up before trying, so this year bagpack to NZ Kent Chua! It's the matter of making time for each other and of how much you love me to spend time doing things together. If you don't, then just forget about it! I would not mourn and wait, you know I won't since the very first day... We all have to move on!
3. Okay, I feel that I must have been crazy that I cling on someone too much that I've never experienced in the past, just because that someone has something that I don't have and of which I have never seen that in any of those around me up to this day... Nay, that someone is not that special, instead plain BUT different... It's time to focus on God, Bren... not His creation, no matter how beautiful and arousing, that is His creation still... Divert my focus is another task to deal it!
4. I love and I care, and I hug people but I forever feel awkward to be pat on shoulders, to be hugged, to be loved... I often walk away from those who did that to me... I love you, but don't try to love me, I feel suffocate and of course don't hurt me too... And that explains why I stay 13 years with the same guy, faithfully... Time to deal with this too!
5. Lose some pounds, please! Feeling heavier and heavier, my muscles are weakening....And the pain, only I understand... A no no to surgery and steroids! Preparing for the worst, but before that I wish to go for more hiking, a marathon perhaps?! at least once? If I made it to NZ this year, another bagpack to Australia and next to Europe... Life is short and fragile... It's not wrong to make myself to feel alive!
3.33am time to get back to bed...
忘记了被你遗忘的 一样痛苦的知己

谢谢你 那么爱我
谢谢天父 那么爱我
Would you still love everyone the same and be the same you even after you were hurt and abandoned? Would you still care and love for those who shunned you away when you needed them the most? You cry but no tears, you scream but no one hears, you are all alone, hope fades away,... everything is just bleak and pitch dark... no man understands because they just refused to feel for you, they are too weak and coward to face them all for you... Would you still believe in justice and stand for righteousness even when no one believes or even cares? Would you, would you still choose to shed your blood on the cross to save those who betrayed you, who refused to even voice out for a slight of mercy so that you won't have to pain so much... Would you, would you... Been trying hard my whole life to avoid watching 'The Passion of the Christ', as I just don't know how to handle the pain and death that He has to bear for my sin, or in other words, I am no difference than those who shunned Him and abandoned Him 2000 years ago... I watched it eventually, everything is just unplanned and I think He wants me to watch it... So that I feel Him again... that I feel the pain He bears for not only my sins but pain for my selfishness and cowardice... Lord, please lead me to your cross and make me see you so that my whole life is blessed and whole, so that I could bless others one day, so that one day I could stand steadfast and faithfully in your name...
 Celine: 慧梅姐姐,I wish to see you wearing dress... (giggling)

Me: Why?!

Celine: Well, just wanted to see... Please... 


Celine: 慧梅姐姐, I would like to see you enter my class and teach me and my friends...

Me: Nope, you don't want that, I can guarantee you this...

Celine: Why? I think you should! How about Sunday School? Can you enter and teach me?

I looked at her... what's wrong with this little girl? Our first encounter was 8 years ago, I saw her the moment she was brought out by the doctor from the labor room...

Her 6th day without her mum and I broughr her out for dinner and simple outing.

Me: Did you cry secretly at night?

Celine: Yeah...(Barely could hear her)

I was stunned and sadness crept in, it was supposed to be a joke...


We hold hands and walked in the mall.

Celine: 慧梅姐姐, others might just think that you are my mum and I am your daughter (smiling)

Me: Yeah yeah...

I looked at her... she really means something to me...


Sent her and the sister back home...

Celine: 慧梅姐姐, do you want to stay until daddy got back home and waited for him to ring up mom so you will know what happened to grandma?

I was quiet for a moment and asked: Are you missing me?

Celine: Yeah... (Again her voice was so slow that I could hardly hear her)

... that reminded me of what she told Sakura Tang saying that I was her aunty (I am not the mother's sister of course, guess she misundetstood the relation) and I was very nice to her... and she even requested to have a room of her own with Hello Kitty theme once I get my house... how excited she was knowing I will go and sleep with her at night and attended the prize giving ceremonies that she invited me to, just the two of us...

Celine Chua God bless you... and to love you, I bring you to Him so He will guard your whole life... Love you!
建立感情 打造美好时光
欢笑 泪水 哭闹 玩乐

收起眼泪 也不再哭闹
偶而出来两小杯 说说工作
说家庭 抱怨国家 就不说自己
不能被看见 别人也无力承担

不是不爱 只是爱的不够彻底
如吃饭 年纪大了谁都只吃7分饱
吃多了 腻 久了就不想再吃 再见

就看谁幸运 还能遇见用心的几个
一个眼神 一个微笑 就明了的默契
难过时 立马赶来 什么话也不说
就这样 一直一直陪你坐到天亮
然后再见面时 都不当一回事
不过从此 这段友谊升华了
无论过了多久 不会忘 不会走开

可是 我们还能再遇见么 这样的人
而 你和我 也还是这样的人么
Humanity is a choice.
To say no is a choice.
To make a difference is a choice.
To go above all fray and fear is a choice.
Life is always about making the choice of whether to compromise with inhumanity, injustice and wickedness.
To go with the flow with the rest is no doubt a choice, which will keep us safe among the cowards and the ignorant. Therefore, it's the choice that we made to forever live in guilt, self-denial and cowardice. And when the day comes, it's our choice that make us suffer just like the rest whom we did not choose to stand in justice and righteousness for them, because no one will as we never show them how...