Saturday, April 15, 2017

There are times...

There are times we try so much to make sense of the world our own way, to understand people around us the most possible way,
to find excuses for the mistakes we see in those we loved and cared,
and decide to run away eventually when there is too much to endure...
so then, we hide ourselves in the dark,
we groan quietly,
we say to ourselves we could never get over it,
but... someday, we just somehow managed to,
so we get up and brave our broken souls,
as in time all flowers turn to face the sun,
and once again... or perhaps it would be more than once that we will try
to forget and forgive, though the pain is so much unbearable,
to face the world and smile, though most of the times we fake it,
to pray and stay faithful to God, though deep inside us we know that our faith is wearing thin and sick,
because we know someday everything shall pass,
and God, His word is a lamp to our feet and a light for our path (Psalm 119:105)
Life, after all is a beautiful struggle...

Sunday, February 8, 2015

再见

有些旷野 永远是你自己一个人在走
真的没人 没有一个可以陪你到终点
即使有些人也对你说过会一起一直走
你不是没相信过 可是你更明白这世界
真的真心过就好 从来不要刻意相信誓言
人总在苦难潦倒时 紧紧抓住 相依偎
事过境迁 谁都想忘记当初 憧憬未来
留在过去黑暗里的另一个永远让人想摆脱
...
其实 也实在没关系 微笑再见 真的没关系
谢谢来过的 停留过的 试着去明白的
能走过来多好 不要刻意 或挖掘或回首
所以再见 也或者不要再见 无需掉头回眸
上帝 是你仅有 一直对你最好的那个

Friday, January 9, 2015

First in 2015

It's a never ending struggle... you thought you made it, but you never have made it through anyway...
Nothing is worse than giving up on yourself, knowing that it's wasting everyone's time to focus on how things could get better for you.  There were hands that you grabbed and you chose to let go because you know no one is walking through it with you, even if they say so and they did some how at one point stick with you.  It's not others to be blamed for you incurable disease, maybe not yourself too.  Drifting away from everything, like floating in the air, you feel nothing, nothing to hold, you are alone, again and again.  Whatever others say about making it through, blessing in disguise etc, all seem to be so unfamiliar to you.  You stare blankly at those who share their experience of how much their enjoy their life now than before after been through the whole damn struggle.  You are not judging, you just feel nothing at all, as you were once said that kind of stuff too and look at you now, everything seems to have gone back to normal and you are again slipping away.  And you stop questioning about it now, you somehow realise and expect to have to live with it the whole life til death parted you both, if only death brings it to a stop.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Had a conversation with an almost 60 year-old lady who had recently filed a divorce and it was quite a disturbing conversation for someone like me who had just got married for less than a year... to know that how men would change (or precisely we all do) and want different things at different ages, how men can be world-best dads and fathers would still end up having affairs outside thier marriage. She talked from experience and of others that she knows. Literally I'm aware of what's happening in the society and how trivial most people view marriage today, still it took me few days to digest the 'issue' and of course, the fear of what could possibly happen to my marriage one day...
And finally these aremy conclusions:
1. Fear God, so you won't commit adultery or any kind of doings that disgrace God. 2. Seek help and strength from the above to fight for all the temptations, we alone are nothing but weak and small without Him.
3. We have hope and the hope is in Him.
4. Learn to 'keep thy hearth with all diligence;for out of it are the issue of life' [Proverb 4:23]
Amen!
曾经在年少轻狂26岁那一年我嘲笑了你,说当时怎么32岁的你如此脆弱不堪一击,摆出的自信如此不自然做作。。。
现在的我31岁又两个月,终于体会什么是心力交瘁,明白为什么有些人需要伪装自信继续生存。
当你以为你很了解这个世界看得特别透彻的时候,其实你原来不过是盘旋在自己的世界里观看,你只不过是一个渺小到看不见的一个点站在无止境的地平线上,你原来什么都不知道都还看不透。。。
朋友,无论今天你身在哪里,都希望你加油坚强,因为我也在做着同样的努力。。。
擦肩而过那瞬间,
那感觉如此熟悉,
但是谁也没回头望,
原来我们都害怕-
曾经·熟悉·过往
所以还是选择继续往前走,
刚刚一切都是幻觉,
既然都不要再见了,
又何必呢?
所以刚刚那是幻觉,是场梦。。。
Student: Teacher, I'll give you a letter regarding my absence last week.
Teacher: Sure! Are you okay? 
Student: I went to KL with my family, my brother had an accident...
Teacher: Oh, okay! So, how's he?
Student: He passed away... 

She walked back to her seat, leaving the teacher with her stupid shocking face :O

And a moment later, she started joking with her friends...

* * *

Question 1: Are people now better in accepting death than people back then?
Or perhaps, she just doesn't know how to react?

Question 2: What's in her mind?
Is it something like, 'Hey! Life goes on! What's the point being darned sad when you know died means dead, end of story, finished, full stop!'
Or, 'Leave me alone! I just dont want to talk about it! You can't see my tears doesnt mean I'm not sad, it's just too fake to cry about it anymore...'

So, was I the one who is thinking too much here or the one who could never learn to accept death? ...
你说 缺陷让你退缩
再也撑不住 伪装不下去
问我 不也累吗

我说
也许 我 比较自私 太爱自己
所以 他人眼光 对我没意义
即使缺陷都赤裸 一览无余
那又怎样
我还是我
别人不过我的生活

所以 你
无需再 逞强 伪装
不要看谁潇洒就想过谁的生活
你永远是你自己
真的开心自在就好
缺陷会因着生命的成长而完全
所以 你
别急
让生命自己工作
你只要记得开心就好
曲终 人散
留下半支烟 残留的dry martini
还有空气中
漫漫被烟味盖过的熟悉香水味
疯狂的夜终究过去
又是一个麻木疲惫的白天
就一直这样生活着
在等待和迷茫之间
不断 重复 交替
然后就这样
蹉跎
错过
懊悔
麻木再麻木
早在亚当夏娃犯罪开始,这世界本来就丑陋。。。
人类,都是丑陋,自私,诡诈,如果不是因为主耶稣。
人类,都是自我保护意志非常强的生物,有时候甚至在重要关头牺牲把你牺牲的人可能就是你最亲的人。这个世界其实本来就很可怕,很绝望。
不过,还好我们有主耶稣,真的还好,也很好。
看清这个世界,看清人类的软弱,认清我们的罪,主说,他们所做的他们不知道。。。但还好我们知道,即使不多,就多他们一点,那也就是福气和恩典了!
神在丑陋的世界里注射了恩典和美意;在绝望中赐给了我们平安和希望,让明白神的人互相扶持,这就是盼望!
我们一起为主加油吧!
It'd happened. Past. Full-stop. But, the pain etched forever in those who experience the loss... People from all walk of life prayed and waited for miracles to happen, but there ain't any miracles... hopes and miracles were destroyed by those who do not fear God... No doubt satan is the master who roams this earth, the master of lust, greed and desire, let's all perish when the judgemental day is here... 
In Him, I hope and pray, seek for forgiveness and repent, though I would never look at it the same way anymore...
When I don't feel good, 
I shop a lot, 
I read and I don't talk, 
(Okay, I read bible, too)
I watch a lot of TV and I don't sleep,
Strictly no calls, no advice, no nagging...
I just want to spend a little bit more time with myself (and more precisely, with Him) 
to get myself back in one piece,
to face the world,
to battle uncertainties,
to resist temptations,
to accept changes,
to feel loved,
to love once again,
to forget and forgive,
to hope more,
to have a little bit extra faith each day,
and to always steadfast in the Lord,
as the bible says "Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23
There are times we try so much to make sense of the world our own way, to understand people around us the most possible way, 
to find excuses for the mistakes we see in those we loved and cared, 
and decide to run away eventually when there is too much to endure...
so then, we hide ourselves in the dark, 
we groan quietly, 
we say to ourselves we could never get over it, 
but... someday, we just somehow managed to,
so we get up and brave our broken souls,
as in time all flowers turn to face the sun,
and once again... or perhaps it would be more than once that we will try
to forget and forgive, though the pain is so much unbearable,
to face the world and smile, though most of the times we fake it,
to pray and stay faithful to God, though deep inside us we know that our faith is wearing thin and sick,
because we know someday everything shall pass,
and God, His word is a lamp to our feet and a light for our path (Psalm 119:105)
Life, after all is a beautiful struggle...
再爱 再痛 再不舍
最后还是掉头转身
不说再见 不要为难
伤口有天会愈合
即使那是很久 很久以后的事
Packed some stuff tonight and found all the 3 inches high heels sealed and hidden long time ago after knowing that I would never get to wear any of them anymore... Well, there will come the time where you accept the way you are now, no matter how frustrated and how much you mourn about it, life goes on and you just found some other alternatives to make yourself happier so you could forget the past, stand tall and move on... 
As for me now, I'm looking forward to experiencing the wonders of God and it will definitely be something way better than the 3 inches high heels that I once obsessed with...
最近,最远的距离都在心里,
如果不爱,那就是最远的距离,
如果真的爱了,即使不在一起,
心还是靠在一起,
永远想念,彼此祝福,
还有什么比这样更好呢?
永远知道有个人一直真心祝福,
那这样就够了;

最近,最远的距离都在我和你别人看不见的深渊里。。。
不知过了多久,
振扎`彷徨`颓废`痛苦,
忘了世界,忘了自己,
沉睡醒不过来。

风雪过后,
还是睁开了双眼,
刺痛的第一道曙光,
让心脏撕裂的痛,
即使再破碎,
因为最后活了下来,
所以还是选择了释怀。
有些想念
你知道永远不能再说出口
彼此是该忘了的陌生人

你知道 你都 知道
贪焚回眸是奢侈的放纵
沉睡的回忆
将是被唤醒的困兽
它会再次奋不顾身 横冲直撞
直到你再次 再次的 支离破碎

所以 转身离开吧
心里缺了的那一角
即使永远空洞寂寞
都不要再回头
即使最后掏空了自己
都不要 不要再想念

人生 无法完美
但是 你可以不要放肆的痛苦
一片片愈合破碎的自己
有一天 你会发现
伤痛让你从此坚强
再多的伤害也不过如此
最后 最好的 你还有你自己
The best thing in life one could finally understand is... the joy of dancing in the rain and hoped for the rainbow, though the darkness, hurt, pain and suffering may envelope one's life every now and then... 
Still thank the Lord, for He gives one enough strength and courageous to face all battles... and few angels to always remind one of how much one was loved and cared for...
解剥'自己
永远是最痛苦的事情
说了 就真的
坦然面对 放下 和 解脱了吗
你不是我 
你怎么懂我
不要揣测我的想法
你说爱我
那是因为你还没看清楚
那个在里面
张牙虎爪 千苍百孔 的我

我们都是彼此遥不可及的对方
上帝 他行在公义和怜悯之上
而我 能有多骄傲
渺小得什么都不是 
连拾取他桌下的零碎都不配
既然 放肆行在自我的欲望里
即使 知道是魔鬼的诡计谎言
还是选择了相信 堕落 自傲
卑微却无知 高傲却愚蠢

我还能靠自己再走多远
我还要倔强对抗到几时
已经片体鳞伤 千蒼百孔
愤怒的不认输 不喊痛

如此 任性 无知 不爱你的我
你 为何 依然爱
为何在狠狠鞭打以后
依然让我重生 重新得力

上帝 你的慈爱 怜悯 公义
长阔高深 超越所有
是我的智慧所无能及
却任然愿意渴求
我这一辈子若有多长
愿父上帝都让我行在
你的公义和怜悯的真道上
在我的年日里
加添于我力量和智慧
教会我谨慎保守我的心
胜过保守一切所有 所有
我们其实除了上帝 什么也没有
豪宅 洋房 汽车 存款 名牌 伴侣
若不是神许可我们成为管家
我们真的有这个能耐独当一面么

我们除了自己 一具躯壳 和灵魂
卸下一切 什么都不是
事业成就 身份名利 权势财富 容貌智慧
我们都拼命紧握因为不抗一击
其实我们都默认这一切会过去
若不是神赐下怜悯和恩典
谁都分不到一杯羹
我们既卑微无能 竟讽刺的骄傲
将自己捧在世界的中心 不知所谓 无知肤浅
更讽刺无知的是
原来连这具被岁月摧残的残喘不堪的 躯壳 和 灵魂 都不属于我们

讽刺的我 和 你
本来就应该 羞愧 面红耳赤
既然 什么都不是我们的
我们也什么都不是
还有什么是放不下的么
谦卑跟随主 还要有所顾虑么

我们的年日终究会成为过去
短暂的生命 你想它绽放的什么 它就是什么
妳挽着Hermes Birkin一脸不屑
你驾着Bugatti挥身尊贵 霸气

你和妳 永远夹着墨镜
一种象征 身份地位 隔膜
高高在上 不可一世 自卑
其实 妳和你
墨镜背后 尽都破碎不堪
不能承认的软弱
不能被识破的孤独
所以 你和妳
在下一次出游
挽住的包 代步的车
要比这一次和过去的华丽震叹

妳和你 伪装得累么

这世界没什么不可以
你和妳 可以继续纸醉金迷
然后继续寂寞 为我独尊

这世界也其实没什么大不了
如果有一天妳抛下Hermes和墨镜 赤着脚奔过Beverly Hills
还有你 脱下Tommy Hilfiger的T和墨镜 汗流夹背得奔跑在Lake Pontchartrain Causeway
谁在看 谁在意
这世界只有你在乎
世界才跟着在意起来
所以真的没什么大不了
因为这个世界妳和你究竟是谁都没什么大不了
没有多少个人记得你
你和妳 我和你
终究都要被这个世界遗忘
所以 还有什么大不的么
爱我的 我爱的
陪我走过的 途中离开的 陪我到最后的
我都知道 没卖怨 都感恩
我明白是时候保重
这个世界这么大 天空这么辽阔
一定有可以拥抱我的地方
So, we are different... I thought we share a lot of things in common and we could make good friends, but we don't actually... Sorry for my straightforwardness and open-minded, but I wouldn't simply change just because of you, I have been living this way for almost 32 years and I can't be someone else, who is not me at all... But you are indeed one great person that I have ever known, perhaps we are just not meant to be good friends and that's okay for me, really...
女人啊
妳年纪不轻了 
要沉得住气 习惯寂寞啊
没有人 可以陪妳一直走下去

所以
坚强啊 不要再轻易泄气
虽然你并不懦弱
虽然你还撑得住这个世界
加油啊 再痛还是要熬过去
虽然朋友都爱你
总不要让人一直担心下去
因为妳在这之前都很坚韧

女人啊
世上没有什么是太难过的
总有一天一切都要成为过去
今天执着深爱的人 纠结的爱
再痛再不堪的 在很久以后
它们都不过是生命划过的痕迹
所以 女人啊 加油再加油
有一天妳会因此而释怀得微笑
Yet to sleep at 2.42am and was so shocked to find that the white blouse that I planned to wear for tomorrow night event is still quietly and smelly sitting in the laundary basket... Oh, man! Hate this! So I rolled down from the bed and headed straight to the washing machine... The most exciting part was after getting my business done with the washing machine, the fresher I felt... Darn!!! And tomorrow is a sport day == And with the dark circles that I will be having due to this sleepless night and bending my body one side due to the pain beared for days tomorrow, it would be a long rough day for me... 
Couldn't stop thinking of a few things that happened currently of how humourous God was... that He knew I am a sad but strong-headed and angry child whom never listen and difficult to handle by others, so He got me some friends who face the same problem and got me to handle them to look for answers... He is real tricky but great! He does wonders! The answer that I am looking for is always within me...
So I will get few things done started from now...
1. Be myself still, even though most of you may not like me... who cares? I don't! I am just me, I can't be somebody else... trying to change me proves that you never really see me clearly and what's more to accept and love me?! If we don't share the same wave same channel same path, just walk away and I am fine with it! And of course I don't hate you for that, I never wasted my time on unnecessary matters.
2. I don't believe in giving up before trying, so this year bagpack to NZ Kent Chua! It's the matter of making time for each other and of how much you love me to spend time doing things together. If you don't, then just forget about it! I would not mourn and wait, you know I won't since the very first day... We all have to move on!
3. Okay, I feel that I must have been crazy that I cling on someone too much that I've never experienced in the past, just because that someone has something that I don't have and of which I have never seen that in any of those around me up to this day... Nay, that someone is not that special, instead plain BUT different... It's time to focus on God, Bren... not His creation, no matter how beautiful and arousing, that is His creation still... Divert my focus is another task to deal it!
4. I love and I care, and I hug people but I forever feel awkward to be pat on shoulders, to be hugged, to be loved... I often walk away from those who did that to me... I love you, but don't try to love me, I feel suffocate and of course don't hurt me too... And that explains why I stay 13 years with the same guy, faithfully... Time to deal with this too!
5. Lose some pounds, please! Feeling heavier and heavier, my muscles are weakening....And the pain, only I understand... A no no to surgery and steroids! Preparing for the worst, but before that I wish to go for more hiking, a marathon perhaps?! at least once? If I made it to NZ this year, another bagpack to Australia and next to Europe... Life is short and fragile... It's not wrong to make myself to feel alive!
3.33am time to get back to bed...
锥心的痛是
有天你醒过来以后
发现你因为过分专注于自己的痛苦
忘记了被你遗忘的 一样痛苦的知己

原谅我的任性和执着
谢谢你 那么爱我
谢谢天父 那么爱我
这么倔强自私不可理喻的我
你依然把这么好的天使赐给我
Would you still love everyone the same and be the same you even after you were hurt and abandoned? Would you still care and love for those who shunned you away when you needed them the most? You cry but no tears, you scream but no one hears, you are all alone, hope fades away,... everything is just bleak and pitch dark... no man understands because they just refused to feel for you, they are too weak and coward to face them all for you... Would you still believe in justice and stand for righteousness even when no one believes or even cares? Would you, would you still choose to shed your blood on the cross to save those who betrayed you, who refused to even voice out for a slight of mercy so that you won't have to pain so much... Would you, would you... Been trying hard my whole life to avoid watching 'The Passion of the Christ', as I just don't know how to handle the pain and death that He has to bear for my sin, or in other words, I am no difference than those who shunned Him and abandoned Him 2000 years ago... I watched it eventually, everything is just unplanned and I think He wants me to watch it... So that I feel Him again... that I feel the pain He bears for not only my sins but pain for my selfishness and cowardice... Lord, please lead me to your cross and make me see you so that my whole life is blessed and whole, so that I could bless others one day, so that one day I could stand steadfast and faithfully in your name...
 Celine: 慧梅姐姐,I wish to see you wearing dress... (giggling)

Me: Why?!

Celine: Well, just wanted to see... Please... 

***

Celine: 慧梅姐姐, I would like to see you enter my class and teach me and my friends...

Me: Nope, you don't want that, I can guarantee you this...

Celine: Why? I think you should! How about Sunday School? Can you enter and teach me?

I looked at her... what's wrong with this little girl? Our first encounter was 8 years ago, I saw her the moment she was brought out by the doctor from the labor room...

***
Her 6th day without her mum and I broughr her out for dinner and simple outing.

Me: Did you cry secretly at night?

Celine: Yeah...(Barely could hear her)

I was stunned and sadness crept in, it was supposed to be a joke...

***

We hold hands and walked in the mall.

Celine: 慧梅姐姐, others might just think that you are my mum and I am your daughter (smiling)

Me: Yeah yeah...

I looked at her... she really means something to me...

***

Sent her and the sister back home...

Celine: 慧梅姐姐, do you want to stay until daddy got back home and waited for him to ring up mom so you will know what happened to grandma?

I was quiet for a moment and asked: Are you missing me?

Celine: Yeah... (Again her voice was so slow that I could hardly hear her)

... that reminded me of what she told Sakura Tang saying that I was her aunty (I am not the mother's sister of course, guess she misundetstood the relation) and I was very nice to her... and she even requested to have a room of her own with Hello Kitty theme once I get my house... how excited she was knowing I will go and sleep with her at night and attended the prize giving ceremonies that she invited me to, just the two of us...

Celine Chua God bless you... and to love you, I bring you to Him so He will guard your whole life... Love you!
30岁以前交朋友
花很多金钱和时间
建立感情 打造美好时光
欢笑 泪水 哭闹 玩乐
最好还要一起走过失恋
这样的友情更铭心刻骨

如今30过后
没有人再轻易透露内心
收起眼泪 也不再哭闹
偶而出来两小杯 说说工作
说家庭 抱怨国家 就不说自己
我们都把自己收藏起来
因为形象是站的住脚的筹码
因为内心的悲伤是一种卑微
不能被看见 别人也无力承担

所以30岁以后的朋友
不是不爱 只是爱的不够彻底
如吃饭 年纪大了谁都只吃7分饱
吃多了 腻 久了就不想再吃 再见

就看谁幸运 还能遇见用心的几个
一个眼神 一个微笑 就明了的默契
难过时 立马赶来 什么话也不说
就这样 一直一直陪你坐到天亮
然后再见面时 都不当一回事
不过从此 这段友谊升华了
你知道这样的朋友
无论过了多久 不会忘 不会走开

可是 我们还能再遇见么 这样的人
而 你和我 也还是这样的人么
Humanity is a choice.
To say no is a choice.
To make a difference is a choice.
To go above all fray and fear is a choice.
Life is always about making the choice of whether to compromise with inhumanity, injustice and wickedness.
To go with the flow with the rest is no doubt a choice, which will keep us safe among the cowards and the ignorant. Therefore, it's the choice that we made to forever live in guilt, self-denial and cowardice. And when the day comes, it's our choice that make us suffer just like the rest whom we did not choose to stand in justice and righteousness for them, because no one will as we never show them how...
等待 所以安静
没有太多感受
不恼怒不急躁
就安静和安静

不想太多的打扰
安静接纳最残缺
像婴孩平静沉睡
等候黎明的破晓
苏醒 敞翅 高飞
6月的风
没有带走我的思念
它遗留了你的腼腆微笑
还有些许淡如清风的回忆

人生的宴席有聚散
虽然说过了无数次再见
我想 一切终结那一天
我还是会有点舍不得
毕竟 这一生
心 能够和多少人如此靠近

还不想忘记你 却想戒了你
在你身边过份舒怡 安稳
我有点胆怯 想逃 想不再见
从来不对谁依赖 解剖自己
这一次的我有点不像自己

因为有一天还是要说再见
所以 要承得住寂寞和孤独
和原本的我一样 归回原点

只是真的还可以吗
再做回那个
什么感动和悲伤都没有的 我

7月的风
它会告诉我什么
它会不会全部都卷走
然后让我的灵魂从此沉睡
7月的第7天

天空 朦胧
纷飞的雨水 
微风中夹藏着雨的味道
还有一些许的思念

心 平静
淡淡的幸福
没有悲伤 渴求 贪焚

我 和 你
这样的分量刚好

这一次想起你
心 是自由 快乐的
卸下这身华丽衣衫
褪去这副虚装面具
原来 我 一无所有
穷缺得连微风都捕抓不住
我 原来 
谁都不是 什么都没有 
竟如此执着 傲慢横行 不可理喻

上帝
你的爱 究竟是什么样子的爱
让卑微却不自知的我
不断背弃 抵抗 伤害 你
你却 依然安静 等待我厌倦外面的世界 回家

我 之因为是我
是因为你把这个我给了我
否则 我连这个我都没有
而我 还真的有什么好骄傲的呢
7月的第八天 
9.41am

我决定 戒了 

转身 不能犹豫

我 原本 什么也不依靠

凭什么 我这次要这么懦弱

我 不要了 戒了 真的戒了
7月的第8天
10.16am

一直不哭的我

决定戒了那一刻

滚烫的泪水竟然在眼眶翻滚

知道从此以后又要一样孤独

我想 不是坏事

毕竟原来的我也只有上帝可以依靠

所以 加油啊 Brenda Law