First in 2015

It's a never ending struggle... you thought you made it, but you never have made it through anyway...
Nothing is worse than giving up on yourself, knowing that it's wasting everyone's time to focus on how things could get better for you.  There were hands that you grabbed and you chose to let go because you know no one is walking through it with you, even if they say so and they did some how at one point stick with you.  It's not others to be blamed for you incurable disease, maybe not yourself too.  Drifting away from everything, like floating in the air, you feel nothing, nothing to hold, you are alone, again and again.  Whatever others say about making it through, blessing in disguise etc, all seem to be so unfamiliar to you.  You stare blankly at those who share their experience of how much their enjoy their life now than before after been through the whole damn struggle.  You are not judging, you just feel nothing at all, as you were once said that kind of stuff too and look at you now, everything seems to have gone back to normal and you are again slipping away.  And you stop questioning about it now, you somehow realise and expect to have to live with it the whole life til death parted you both, if only death brings it to a stop.