Something I read somewhere

"If we are honest to ourselves, we can list almost everything that's ever happened to us - and see how we helped create it and build us."

Selfishness

We all have this within us... selfishness...
For most of the time, we feel the pain inside us so deeply that we have forgotten about those who loved us suffered greater than us...

It is all right for you of how others might see you, because those who understand you won’t question and judge, but those who would like to see what they wanted to see will see you the way they have always wanted to. 

Simply scribbling

I can’t remember the name of the game…  Well, I played it in the church long, long time ago.  It goes like this…

Close your eyes, fall backwards and trust your friends to catch you.

Although everything is planned, you aren’t supposed to be afraid, still it scares you, until you fall and they catch you from behind, then only the worries go away.

The sadden truth is in real life, you will never let yourself fall, because there is no one to catch you.  Therefore you keep telling yourself you got to be stronger than anybody else, you make sure you survive even in the roughest sea; you refuse to cry and to reveal the feelings inside you…

Just because you know there is no one there, there is never anyone there.  To break down and cry is some kind of weaknesses that you would never wanted others to know. 

For years, you kept what Mother Teresa once quoted in your heart, ‘being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody… is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.’ And at the same time you knew that only ‘love like you’ve never been hurt’ can change everything in you life including gaining the trust back. 

You do not know when this inner struggle is going to end, but you have decided to give it a try, to fall backwards once to see if there is any hand to catch you.  The decision is somehow painful, requiring courage that taking all your breath away, but you said you have decided, so that you can move on in life. 

Letting go...

According to him…


For so many months, he was standing at the crossroad, feeling helplessly and hopelessly…

People come and go, trying to give him hands, yet he grabs none of them. He was so blurred, so reluctant and too afraid that he has forgotten on how to give his hand to others…

He cried his heart out, he crashed things, he hurt himself, he lost control of everything; no one would probably understand the pain deep inside him; he was eventually left alone in the shell he built to hide himself so that no one and nothing can ever reach him anymore.

One day, someone who had has worsened experience walked into his life and asked him ‘ARE YOU HAPPY?’ Like usual, his denial character inside him wanted to tell a lie by saying that he is, yet spontaneously he shocked his head and admitted that he isn’t happy, eventually. ‘Being in the stage of the dilemma is the most painful thing, but to make a U-turn is even worst, however, staying in the crossroad will eventually drag one to the ultimate suffering; making a U-turn is tougher decision but you left with no choice, you have to do it, because that’s the only way you can let go of whatever that is tighten you up and move on in life.’

Realizing he has been loitering too long at the crossroad, he is tired, his shoulder is heavier than usual that he knows he has to let go some of the burdens and make a U-turn. Staying still at the same place would only make him depresses more and eventually choose to walk down to the path that won’t do him any good.

Making a U-turn in life is always the hardest part ever, some people prefer to stay still at the same point, as they thought that is one kind of security, no risk means no harm, some choose to withdraw and give up, some choose the life to lead them instead of themselves fighting back of what they want…

And today he is telling the world he will move on, fighting back whatever defeating him along the way.

Cheers to those who are suffering from Bipolar Disorder, make the U-turn and only we get to see another side of the world.

From 27 Going to 30s

We have been talking about this topic over and over again this lately and it really makes me think...



Can’t really describe what is the exact mixture feeling that I’m having right now - to have to go into the 30’s-mid-life-crisis; where people around you they no longer advice you to get married anymore but to threaten you. Hee…


Started to feel something is 'wrong', when the last old maid in the gangs (I’m the second last, of course) is planning for her next year Feb-wedding. Arghhh! It’s not fair, she is leaving the club, and she has forgotten all the promises to be singled together!


Life is so wrong: Everyone is moving on with their spouse and children, while I’m still enjoying my comics, watching the horror movies, shop like there is no tomorrow and etc… things that I kept doing for the past 10 years since Uni days. Well, it makes me feel young and lively, BUT all gone wrong now, when everyone is changing and I am still the same.


Even the most wonderful protective man (dad) in my life, who once said that I can stay single as long as I like, is now secretly telling my mom that I should end my single life! This is not fair! I feel thrown out! I feel like an empress whose crowd is violently and cruelly robbed. I have always been the most pampered one in the family and now, this is my downfall!


To get married or not to get married?! Well, can I just bury my head into the sand like the ostrich just for another 2 years before I reach 30? Or if I get married, then my life should stay the same: mid-night movies, late night supper without worrying when to change the diapers, short vacation with best friends only (no husband, kids, please!) once in a while; sleep vertical or horizontal as I wish (the bed should belong to only me!); no complain if I’m not going to comb my hair or wash the laundry or clean up the house; etc… etc… etc… that’s me!


Well, those whoever is reading this now, consider this: Do you think a kid-liked person herself should have a kid, while she herself is still so kiddo?


I’m off from this topic! I need fresh air, a cup of good coffee and a mind-relax movie, well, a companion of a single lad friend will be needed to balance the negative charge.

Home Sweet Home

Changed my mind once again, will get an apartment instead of a doube-storey link house.  In fact, getting an apartment is my intial plan, which I think it suits me as a single, who hates doing house chores, which one of them would be maintaining the yard.  Well, it is affardable as well compared to a double-storey link house.
Just wonder, what shall i get for the aparment...
1.  A bull terry (... well, it has nothing to do with apartment though, it is just a pet that i've craved for so long)
2.  A set of home theatre and a set of comfort leather sofa.
3.  A jaccuzi?! ... Mmmm... It would be perfectly nice if i got myself a double-storey house.  Well, cancelled this. 
4.  Fluffy bed!  There is nothing like crawling into bed with freshly laundered sheets and fluffy warm blankets.  The feeling is gonna be so "wow".  Opss... plus with a lot of pillows too. Hee...
5.  And a good kitchen too!
6.  To be continued...
Looking forward to get it soon and hope to have my family here too. 
Love is what makes a house called "home" and "home" is the place that keeps everyone together.

Man's Search for Meaning

"He has a why to live for can bear with almost any how." (Federich Nietzche)

I'm reading "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl who formed the theory of logotheraphy that postulated a will to meaning. 
Often we feel meaningless, depressed and stressful with our life; whereby some choose to let go (suicide)while some compromise with the suffering and let it conquered their life, which lead to ultimate destruction at the end.
Since very young, I have the thought that we live only once, therefore why not live it to the fullest and experience life ultimately?   Well, I guess everyone knows and understands the phrase, as we have came aross it for hundreds and thousands times before.  We crave for it, so start to practice it in our daily lives, doing all sort of things just to make ourselves believe that we are living the life fullestly... and sometimes even making others believe it the same way too.  We often think that would be the happily-ever-after ending, until something happen and things start to go the other way around, that is where everything reveals it true self. 
We start to doubt of what we have been believing for years, and questioning the sincerity of people around us and the worst, we don't understand ourselves any more, we are a totally a stranger to ourselves; we lose faith towards God, everything seems to be very uncertain.  No way to get out, we are trapped, no one to trust, not even ourselves...
These phrases sound  familiar, right?  Well, it indicates that we are just the same, that we are normal human beings, so don't feel bad if you ever felt it that way.
I agreed to Viktor Frankl that when we eventually give up when we can no longer bear the pain and suffering is because we do not have the reason to live, therefore, everything seems to be meaningless, as we do not establish the meaning for our existence in this world from the start.
We often say walk the talk, but how true is it, only to be found out when things happened and we get to learn the true self that kept deep inside us. 
Our existence is defined by the meaning and reason to live, to continue the journey, so the one with reason and know their meaning of living the life survive the battle. 
Let's us define our existence by finding the reason of living in this world.  May we all be the survivors of all the battles that may strike us in the future.
Cheers to our own existence! 

Hi and Welcome to the Party

I guess, I would have to say "Hi" and "Welcome" to those whoever read this blog before get the blogging party started :-)
It has been centuries since the last time I posted in my own personal blog (another blog, which I will never ever share it here:D ).  Well, hope it is another good start and another new pace of my blogging life.
It is fun, don't you think so?  To be able to be yourself in your own santuary and have all your imagination goes wild... in the blogging world; to be able to have some times of your own to see your true self; to question and to face; to share and to care... etc, etc...
Well, it would be fun when the party starts with all the fingers running wild on the keyboards:-)