Let God Be God

It has been a while since I last read 'Let God Be God'...
This verse is one of those that touches my soul deeply...
'Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.' (Romans 12:15)
I don't see myself as someone who needs to be listened to, instead I always feel the need to listen to others... This lately, even way before this perhaps, I try my very best to minimise my inner voice and affliction so I could feel the world and listen to others... as I know how scary it could wreck my life if I let it to take control of me... been there, gone through the worst, therefore I know and understand how dangerous the effect could be, it's like an invisible gigantic monster preying on every single flesh and drop of blood of yours... it's a back and forth struggle, that you get back to your feet today and you fall again the next day... you laugh and joy to the max, and the next moment as you turn around, everything just fade away... nothing is real to you, nothing stay with you... none is trustable, not even yourself... I understand why Robin Williams ended his life, I do, I seriously do... It doesn't mean I would do the same thing, not now anymore, not for now as I'm writing this... I once had the constant suicidal thought and I almost get myself killed... not now, for sure, not anymore after I know I owe Jesus a life to live for him...
I'm quite happy with myself now... that I learned to get myself busy with some simple serving in church... and that's so much better than the previous method I applied... In which I went to o e of the small mall nearby my working place every night after the night falls and I will read every single label and description on every item til the mall closes at 10pm, then only I will drag my weary mind and soul back home hoping that I could sleep soundly... having depression wasn't like what most people thought you to have been thinking and worrying too much therefore you suffer from depression, for some people, yes, some not really... it's the subconscious mind that we never take it seriously that triggers everything... Some people could get depression at their top and peak state in life... They just fall and do not know how to get up anymore... As someone who is dumb and insensitive, I belonged to the second type... Therefore I don't like people telling me that I think too much, do not judge others based on our vying shallow understanding of this world... We see and listen too little, we judge too fast, we are too proud to claim that we know the world, sadly we never do... and will never understand everything... We only do our very best to understand, well, that's better than some just refuse to understand, instead choose to ignore and walk away...
My depression taught me to see others' needs, to learn acceptance, at the same time be honest to oneself,  be courageous during the time I need to face all challenges and hinders in life... but it brought in some pitfalls too, one of them is you lost faith in others, things you are holding in hand, you found it hard to love and keep a relationship,  you just don't simply trust anyone and you often end up either hurting or running away from those whoever try to get close to you... The other one is you are living in double life... I'm not sure how many those I know are suffering from the same problem... but one thing for sure, I feel the need to help, though I might still be broken inside... I'm not sure if it's a calling from God, but ne thing I'm sure there is never be any mistakes or accidents in His plan, and He will turn all the numbness, pain, suffering, affliction that I have gone through into glory... I have never dream big, I'm happy enough if I could serve Him by cleaning up the church, trimming trees, cooking food for others etc... as long as I'm living in his presence, where the real peace and joy is...